Enabling Self-Indulgent Adult Children Is Not Good Parenting
About 10 years ago, a woman I know gave up a high-paying job in Connecticut because she felt she could not handle the stress. She moved to rural Florida for a few years, lived with a guy she had met in high school in a house that her parents bought, and basically became unemployable – not that she was looking for a real job. She held various low-level jobs until the economy started to slump.
Over the past decade, she has broken off her relationship with her high school “friend” and grown increasingly dependent on her now 70-year-old parents. They started by paying for her home and then her health insurance. Finally, about six months ago, the parents sold the house and had their daughter move in with them. They now cover all her insurance and living expenses while she works to earn enough money to go out with her friends.
The parents are not rich. Indeed, the recent economic slump has made money tight for them as their investments have shrunk. Still, they do not stop paying for their daughter’s needs and many of her wants. (Only recently did she give up a $500 per month lease on a luxury car!) They even co-signed a loan for the daughter’s ex-boyfriend’s truck, but, fortunately for them, he paid off the vehicle on his own.
When Did Children Stop Taking Care of Elderly Parents?
Looking back at history, the idea of elderly parents taking care of adult children’s financial needs is relatively new. Until recently, the opposite was true, and parents could hope for at least a modicum of support from grown children when the parents reached a certain age. Now, the number of adult children who are relying on parental support is growing by leaps and bounds.
Parents should not have to support adult children who are not disabled. Enabling self-indulgent and selfish behavior in adult children is not even good parenting. An adult who finds a better-paying job will enjoy a higher standard of living. An adult who takes a pay cut will need to make sacrifices. Just because an adult wants to take a pay cut, however, should never mean that their parents should be the ones to make sacrifices.
Given our current economic climate, there is no justification for an adult child to live off of a parent’s generosity.
Supporting an adult child is a terrible decision, especially if the parents do not know if they have sufficient funds to support the child for the rest of his or her life and themselves for the rest of their own lives. A parent in retirement should focus on their retirement, not supporting their grown children.
If You Have Children, What Should You Do?
If you are a parent supporting an adult child, you cannot show Junior to the door without a transition period. Set up a plan so that you can wean your child off of your expense account. Give the child a period to find a job, save money, and then move out or pay their parents rent. Offer emotional support and guidance, but cut off the ready flow of funds. Make being dependent unpleasant, but don’t stop showing your love for the child.
Finally, parents.com and Psychology Today have a couple of good articles on how to build resilience in your children. Harvard University’s Ronald Ferguson has a great book on raising successful kids, and Business Insider has a review of 24 factors that go into raising successful children. In addition, if you are interested in teaching your children about money, consider reading kidwealth.com and kidsaintcheap.com.
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Read More:
Are Your Adult Children Taking Advantage of You as You Age? 12 Clues That They Might Be
Bank of Mom and Dad: How You’re Risking Your Retirement for Your Adult Children
Boomerang Kids: 8 Factors Fueling the Trend of Adult Children Living with Baby Boomer Parents
Do you have any other advice for caring for adult children? Share it with us in the comments below!
