Why is my husband acting so immature?
Many women have to deal with emotionally immature husbands or boyfriends. It is so common to be frustrated by a partner that struggles to express their emotions or handle adult responsibilities. Terms like “man child” have been coined to describe this phenomenon. This article explains the concept of an emotionally immature male adult, along with codependent tendencies and the origins of their behavior. Here are practical suggestions grounded in Gottman insights to help you foster a healthier connection.
What Does It Mean to Be a “Man Child”?
The term ‘man child’ refers to an adult male who seems stuck in adolescence. This type of language can be both derogatory and unhelpful. There are societal constructs that inhibit the development of emotional intelligence in men. Using terms like “man child” minimizes the complexity of a man’s emotional immaturity. We know having social support networks reduces depression, anxiety and other mental disorders. Men tend to have more superficial social relationships. Here are some behaviors we commonly see:
Avoiding Responsibilities
This might look like consistently ignoring chores, bills, or tasks that keep a household running smoothly. Here are some behaviors we commonly see:
- Avoiding Responsibilities
This might look like consistently ignoring chores, bills, or tasks that keep a household running smoothly.
The American Psychological Association defines it as the tendency to escape from the real world to the delight or security of a fantasy world. This might look like gaming addiction or spending excessive amounts of time online.
- Inappropriate emotional expression
Difficulty articulating emotions and expressing emotions appropriately. Instead of talking about feelings, you will see people criticizing and blaming. frequent complaining or whining, and even throwing tantrums when confronted.
Difficulty taking on another person’s feelings as their own especially when it comes to difficult feelings and circumstances. This goes along with the inability to see things from someone else’s perspective and to try to understand their point of view.
When faced with challenging situations and emotions, they may regress even further and self medicate or use other forms of escapism like gaming, being online for hours, or other addictive behaviors.
These traits do not necessarily mean a person is inherently bad. In many cases, deeper psychological or emotional factors such as fear of failure, anxiety, or unresolved childhood issues can lead to the avoidance of adult responsibilities.
Reasons for emotional immaturity
While the reasons for male emotional immaturity do not justify the poor behaviors, it can help to have some understanding about the immaturity. Here are some reasons why we tend to see men have poor emotional intelligence.
Societal constructs
Societal messages around masculinity and emotion have been embedded into the fabric of our lives and the result has been disastrous for men’s mental health. We know that social connections are key to emotional health and well being yet there is still a gendered nature to men’s social support networks that often times lacks real connection.
Stigma
Stigma continues to exist for men around seeking help and going to therapy. the dominant notions of masculinity (such as stubbornness and self-reliance) leads to underutilization of mental health resources.
Many men are stuck in psychologically stuck in an adolescent mindset where they externalize blame and avoid responsibility. Because of privilege and opportunity many men do not have to deal with consequences of their actions or their actions are seen as acceptable behavior.
Childhood
Hate to say it but the early years are formative, so when certain skills and development do not happen when we are kids, it is really hard to go back and learn them. In terms of emotional learning, boys are discouraged from expressing their emotions and feelings. They are also ridiculed if they do. They do not know how to deal with their emotions or the physiological responses that result. Instead of expressing and feeling the emotions and what is happening in their bodies, they learn to cope in other unhealthy ways that might include:
- Self medicating
- Acts of violence or aggression
- Complete emotional shutdown
- Dissociating
Consequences of Emotional Immaturity
Unhealthy Relationships
Strong healthy relationships are built on a foundation of trust, commitment and communication. It is unhealthy to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature. Dr. John Gottman identifies 4 communication patterns which will cause a relationship to fall apart. These patterns will likely be present if your husband/boyfriend does not have high emotional intelligence.
Criticism
Criticism is expressing a complaint as a flaw in the other’s person’s character. The complaint is usually framed as a flaw in the other person’s character. The complaint is usually a way to cover up an unspoken desire or need. It is harder to criticize than it is to put yourself in a vulnerable position and describe your needs and feelings.
Contempt
This is the #1 predictor of divorce. Contempt is superior criticism. This is a negative mindset where the person is constantly looking for their partner’s mistakes and scans the environment for things that are wrong rather than the positives.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is an attempt to protect oneself and to defend one’s innocence.Someone who lacks emotional maturity will likely become defensive when their partner or spouse criticizes something they do. The only thing that can turn around this dynamic is by taking responsibility for your role in the argument which is not something an emotionally immature person is capable of doing.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling refers to when one person withdraws from the interaction and shuts down. This is also known as “freezing”. If these symptoms are not recognized, it can lead to an escalation of conflict. If these symptoms are not recognized, it can lead to escalation of conflict.
Observing Your Own Behavior
Codependence
This describes adults who resist taking on the responsibilities and challenges of adulthood. They may prioritize fun and freedom over planning, follow-through, or accountability.
If your husband seems perpetually stuck in a childlike state, you might unknowingly be playing the role of Wendy by catering to his needs and unintentionally encouraging his immaturity. This dynamic can be exhausting, as you end up handling most daily tasks and responsibilities.
Consider whether you might be enabling your husband’s childlike behavior. Reflect on:
- Family History
Did you have to be overly responsible in your childhood or care for siblings or parents? - Caretaker Role
Are you repeating old patterns of taking care of others to the detriment of your own well-being?
Recognizing these tendencies allows you to identify how you may be contributing to the parent-child dynamic within the marriage.
Strategies to develop emotional immaturity
Outlined below are tips to deal with the emotional immaturity while also trying to increase the emotional intelligence in your husband or boyfriend.
Set Clear Boundaries
This strategy is specifically for the partner dealing with an immature husband/boyfriend. When we set boundaries with someone, we protect ourselves against anything that could threaten our well-being. We cannot control the behavior of another person but we can control our own response and what is allowed into our environment. change your behavior to protect yourself, your needs and limits. Setting boundaries protects your mental and emotional well-being. Develop Emotional IntelligenceHelping your husband identify and express emotions can help him move away from tantrums or shifting blame to more constructive methods of coping. It is possible to move from being emotionally immature to having emotional intelligence with effort, support and introspection.Professional SupportCounseling or therapy can help your husband or boyfriend address the deeper issues that may be fueling irresponsible behavior or emotional immaturity. Sometimes the deeper issues can be difficult to understand. If he is willing to go to therapy, that is a good sign that change is possible.Relationships
Dr. John Gottman identified ways to mitigate these toxic communication patterns that were discussed earlier. You must change the dynamic of the relationship to prevent toxic communication patterns from taking over and leading to a breakup. You will likely be met with defensiveness if you begin by saying, “You never …”,.” You will have a better chance of having a productive conversation if you approach the subject in a nonattacking manner.
Instead of criticizing, try to focus on your feelings when you are discussing concerns or complaining about something. Saying “You never help” is not as effective as saying “I feel overwhelmed by the amount of cooking and cleaning I have to do on my own.” We could find a better balance. This communication style reduces defensiveness. This allows you to express what you want and your partner can ‘be your superhero’ by meeting your needs. One of the cornerstones to a healthy relationship is turning towards your partner when they make a bid. A partner who is emotionally immature may ignore or dismiss these bids, creating emotional distance. Turning towards your partner when they make a bid is one of the cornerstones of A partner who is emotionally immature may ignore or dismiss these bids, creating emotional distance.
Repair attempts are any actions aimed at de-escalating tension, such as a gentle joke, a supportive touch, or an apology. Recognizing and responding to these attempts can help you both step back from heated conflicts and move toward resolution.
If your husband refuses to acknowledge his behavior or make changes, it can lead to serious strain on the relationship. One-sided marriages, in which one partner takes on the majority of responsibilities can lead to resentment. Assess whether your needs are being met, and consider professional guidance if you feel uncertain about the future.
Final Thoughts
Living with an immature husband or boyfriend can be emotionally draining, but it is possible to address these challenges with compassion. Setting boundaries, encouraging emotional development, and focusing more on better communication can help you create a relationship that fosters mutual respect and understanding. If your husband is unwilling to adapt or seek help, professional guidance can help you decide the best path for your well-being. If your husband remains unwilling to adapt or seek help, professional guidance can help you decide the best path for your well-being.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if my husband refuses therapy?
Focus on what you can control. Set clear boundaries and prioritise your mental health. Can mental health problems be involved?
Absolutely. Emotional immaturity is sometimes associated with depression, anxiety or borderline personality disorders. You might be enabling your husband’s immaturity if you do all the household chores or manage his finances for him. If there are children involved, an emotionally immature parent may feel threatened by the child getting more attention. This makes healthy boundaries and communication even more important for the family’s well-being.
When should I consider leaving the relationship?
