Why do we get jealous in relationships?
In an interview, Dr. John Gottman was once asked what to do about “insatiable jealousy” in relationships.
His response hit on something really profound for me.
I believe that every person has areas of enduring vulnerability. These vulnerabilities must be recognized and respected for a marriage’s success. In relationships, jealousy is not something to be avoided but an opportunity to build connections. Brene brown writes in her book “Daring Greatly,” “Vulnerability gives birth to love, belonging and joy. It also fosters empathy, creativity, courage and empathy.” It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.”
When you understand why you get jealous, you can manage it in a way that is compassionate and constructive. Recognizing and embracing your partner’s enduring vulnerabilities, as well as your own, will strengthen your relationship.
Understand your triggers
Jealousy in a relationship can be more about your own vulnerabilities than about your partner’s actions. You may be more prone to feeling jealous if you have had a painful experience in the past. It’s important to talk to your partner about these experiences so you can be mindful of each other’s triggers and respect them.
Jealousy may be driven by low self-esteem or a poor self-image. It can be difficult to believe your partner values and loves you if you do not feel confident and attractive. Sometimes, jealousy is caused by unrealistic expectations of the relationship. It is not healthy for couples to spend all their time together. In the words of Kahlil Gibran, “you need spaces in your togetherness to sustain your bond.”
Remember that feelings aren’t facts. Are you seeing things that don’t exist? My clients are encouraged to ask, “Is this really happening?” Acknowledge them before consciously dismissing them. Acknowledge them before consciously dismissing them.
What does jealousy look like?
Feelings of jealousy can become problematic if they affect your behavior and your feelings toward the relationship as a whole. Here are some signs of unhealthy jealous behaviors.
Checking your spouse’s phone or email without permission
- Insulting your spouse
- Assuming that your spouse is not attracted to you
- Grilling your spouse on their whereabouts throughout the day
- Accusing your spouse of lying without evidence
- If you recognize any of these behaviors in your relationship, seek to understand the vulnerabilities beneath. If you need a little extra help doing this, I recommend working under the guidance of a Gottman-trained therapist.
Use jealousy for good
Jealousy in a relationship can also be a very real and reasonable reaction to your partner’s actions. In a relationship that is good enough, people will still have high standards for the way they are treated. They expect their partner to be loyal and honest. If the answer is “yes”, then you should tell your partner what you think before your jealousy becomes resentment. Avoid using phrases like “you’ve always done that” or “you’ve never done that” when you speak up. Instead, focus on your own feelings and don’t make general statements about their character. You should only say what you want, and not what you do not need. The more you communicate, the better your relationship will be. These are all areas that you should talk about before coming to your own conclusions.
Is there a specific relationship that is making you uncomfortable?
Are you finding that you are being stonewalled?
Has your partner’s behavior has recently changed?
You and your partner should be open and upfront with each other about friendships and work relationships. Transparency can make you feel more secure. You can show your love for each other by prioritizing your relationship over your work, friends, or coworkers. You build trust every time you do it.
