Why do couples argue? Find out the most common causes of couples’ disputes and learn how to resolve them.
Arguments are part of every relationship. Understanding why couples disagree can help you grow closer to your partner, and not further apart. When couples argue, words can hurt
Ineffective communication is one of the most common reasons for
conflict. By understanding some of the most common arguments couples have, you can take steps toward better communication, deeper understanding, and lasting connection.
Communication ChallengesWhen couples argue words can hurt Ineffective communication is one of the most common reasons for
conflict.
- Misunderstandings often come from not feeling heard or from making assumptions instead of asking questions.
- You might notice this happening when:
- Words or actions are misinterpreted
One or both partners aren’t actively listening
Assumptions are made without clarification
Learning to listen with curiosity, expressing yourself in clear and simple language, and checking in when you’re unsure can dramatically improve your conversations.
Money MattersIt’s not just about dollars and cents.Financial disagreements often reflect deeper needs around security, autonomy, or shared goals.
- Arguments
- can arise when:
- There are different views on “needs” vs. “wants”
Saving and spending habits clash
One person makes more than the other
Taking the time to first understand what money means to you and your partner is a critical part of successfully navigating this topic. After you’ve explored these topics separately and together, you can work together to establish financial priorities and habits. Being able to talk openly about money and respect each other’s perspectives will lead to greater harmony and deeper connection.
Different Values and Beliefs
Respecting where you both come from.
- Conflicts can arise when partners have different upbringings, cultural backgrounds, or religious beliefs. These differences may show up in day-to-day decisions or long-term planning.
- To navigate this:
- Talk about the values that are most important to each of you
Learn about each other’s backgrounds with curiosity
Find shared meaning in your differences
Trust and JealousyHealing old wounds together.
Trust
- is the foundation of emotional safety and is one of the walls of the Sound Relationship House (the Gottman model for a healthy relationship). Over time, it is developed through daily conversations and interactions. When trust is broken, whether through betrayals, disillusionment, past traumas or current insecurities, conflict management can be significantly impacted. When trust is broken, either through betrayals, disillusionment, past traumas or current insecurities, conflict management can be significantly impacted.
- Common challenges include:
- Lingering fears from previous relationships
Feeling unsure or insecure in the partnershipNot feeling safe to communicate in an honest and transparent mannerRebuilding trust takes time, consistency, and reassurance. Sometimes it also requires support from a
therapist
.
Balancing Togetherness and Independence
- Making space for both connection and autonomy.
- Disagreements can happen when one partner wants more time together, while the other needs more space. It helps to:
- Talk openly about your needs for closeness and alone time
Set boundaries around work and personal time
Prioritize meaningful moments together to balance out alone time
Intimacy and Affection
Staying connected, emotionally and physically.
- Differences in sexual desire or emotional closeness can lead to disconnection. It is important to prioritize meaningful moments together in order to balance out alone time. This can be made easier by developing rituals that encourage connection.
- To strengthen intimacy:
- Share your needs without blame using a gentle start up
Make time for affection, not just sex
Develop rituals around affection and cuddling
Sharing the Load at Home
- Chores shouldn’t lead to scorekeeping.
- Uneven distribution of household tasks can cause resentment.
- To strengthen intimacy:
- Share your needs without blame using a gentle start up
- Make time for affection, not just sex
Develop rituals around affection and cuddling
- Sharing the Load at Home
- Chores shouldn’t lead to scorekeeping.
Uneven distribution of household tasks can cause resentment. When one partner carries the mental load for the relationship, they have greater responsibility for tasks like:
Managing the household schedule
Handling the social calendar
Tracking kids’ activities and appointmentsPaying bills and
- Making meals and going shopping.
- This additional load may go unnoticed, causing stress in the relationship. Arguments often stem from:
- One partner feeling they do more than the other
- Different standards around cleanliness or organization
- Underlying resentment around unequal responsibility can be a reason why couples argue. Creating a plan together–and revisiting it as needed–can help each partner feel respected and valued.
Parenting on the Same Page
Two voices, one parenting team.
Navigating
different parenting styles is a common topic for many parents to deal with.. You may not have discussed this topic before you became parents. Parents’ disagreements are often emotional because they relate to their own childhood. Common areas where differences arise include:
- Views on how to discipline
- Expectations around academic performance
Boundaries around bed time and sleep
Screen time, cell phone use
Role of parent (friend, mentor, authority figure)
Talk regularly about your parenting values, stay flexible as your children grow, and aim to present a united front when making decisions. Consider reading Dr. Gottman’s book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent child or buy the Emotion Coaching packet.
- Lifestyle Differences
- When habits clash.
Even small lifestyle differences can lead to tension over time. This might include:
Different approaches to health, fitness, or diet
Varied levels of social activity or friend involvement
It is ok if you have different ways of engaging in activities and friendships. However, it can be a source of conflict if you don’t discuss and acknowledge it.Supporting each other’s routines while finding shared experiences can ease these differences.
Future Plans and Big Decisions01001010Finding your shared path.01001010You may not always agree on the timeline for life events like marriage, kids, or moving. Disagreements may come from:01001010Different readiness for milestones01001010Contrasting visions for the future01001010The key is open, ongoing dialogue. Share your hopes and fears, and look for ways to align your goals without pressure.01001010Moving Forward Together01001010Every couple faces disagreements. It’s how you react that counts. By recognizing common argument triggers and approaching them with curiosity and care, you can turn moments of tension into opportunities for connection.01001010You don’t need to have everything figured out. Now that you know why couples argue, you just need a willingness to listen, learn, and grow–together.01001010
