What to Look for When You Find Your Perfect Partner
It is not the recipe for mental health or a healthy relationship. If you think you bought the house with the wrong partner, you might lose motivation to renovate. The list of expectations they have for their partner is unrealistic.
Sadly no mortal will ever be able to match the ideal partner you have in your mind. So let’s rewrite your soulmate template to reflect the ups and downs of real long term relationships.
Types of Soulmates
We know that the main ingredients of a long term relationship ebb and flow. Trust, loyalty, commitment and emotional connection are all important. They also include sexual attraction, erotica, understanding, co-operation, companionship and parenting.
Soulmate relationships can also be expected to ebb and flow when the various pieces of the kaleidoscope of love are rearranged by both external and internal changes in life, such as a parent’s death or an evolution in our personal priorities.
Soulmate relationships can also be expected to ebb and flow when the various pieces of the kaleidoscope of love are rearranged by both external and internal changes of life, be that the loss of a parent or an evolution in our personal priorities.
So I’d like to propose Three Types of Soulmates, each with qualities that reflect the various stages of development in long term love.
THE INFATUATION PHASE – “I FOUND my soulmate!”
Don’t you love falling in love? It’s a wonderful feeling to fall in love. It’s no wonder we believe we have found
The one. Prairie voles, who form lifelong pairs, may provide us with a clue. The smell appears to be the mediator of rodent love. Amir Levine
, a neuroscientist, suggests that humans have the same neurocircuitry as rodents to feel a bond with others through smell. Women in the
tee shirt study were more drawn to the smell of men whose genes were different than theirs. While this is fascinating, it doesn’t prove that half-souls exist (or that statistically we will be close enough to smell them). It doesn’t explain, however, why infatuation and the intense sexual attraction that comes with it only lasts 18 to 24 months. The Marriage Inc. Phase – “You are NOT my soulmate“.
–Let’s ask you – How long did your infatuation last? The relationship changes once the initial rush of love has subsided and the couple is in the building phase. This phase I call Marriage (or Relationship Inc. The couple will move from fun dates, great sex and exciting adventures to purchasing a home, having children and climbing up the career ladder. All of these are great aspects of a well-lived life. Where are YOU and your partner in all of this? In a messy, cluttered home with a leaking bathtub and a cluttered marital house, romance and pleasure can be lost. Marriage Inc is the process of running your relationship like a business rather than as a romantic affair. Marriage Inc is a concept that I teach in my 3-month online program. Most couples who enroll are unhappy, alone, or on the brink of a breakup. Over 30% of couples are in a relationship that is sexless and report having no attraction for the person who they were infatuated with during the infatuation stage. This is when a little demon thought might arise…niggling at the back of your mind…“Maybe you’re not my soulmate? Do I have a mistake? Marriage, Inc. can last for a few months or even a lifetime. This makes me sad. You are one of the few couples who choose to put time and effort in their relationship to learn how to reconnect and reignite. It takes work. It takes effort.
–THE phase of INSPIRED love – “We have become soulmates”
–If your work is done, you will be one of those couples that reach the wonderful and rare phase of inspired romance. You can grow to love the person you selected all those years ago, even though they are imperfect. You know they’re not the one and only person for you. They are also not the answer to your own happiness. Happiness is an internal thing. You’ve experienced the ups and downs of life together, from the birth of your daughter to the bankruptcy.
Love is inspired when you stop expecting your partner to fill you up and start filling them up. We shift from a “Me” to a “We”, and navigate through life together, richer or worse, in sickness or in health. This love is nothing like the longing feelings for your missing half that you might feel if you were Shaun Cassidy. This person, with whom you have co-created a love that is inspired by your own soul, may be the one who becomes your true soulmate. In the video, I tell the story of our first date when we were infatuated. Then I compare that date to the actual date we had when I recorded it for you, a date inspired by love. Listen to the differences and then look at your relationship today. What can you do to improve your relationship?My spouse is not my soulmate. He knows me, my flaws, and my vulnerabilities. But he still loves me, just as I love him. You can fall in love with your partner again.
