Valentine’s Day: When you hate it
Valentine’s Day – Whether you love it or dislike it, it’s impossible to ignore the fact that we’re bombarded by teddys holding balloon bouquets in February. These cute tokens of love can inspire sentimentality and warmth in some people, but anger and disgust in others. The day itself can be a minefield for couples. That being said, the day itself can be a bit of a minefield for couples.
Is this the day I should pop the question, or is that too corny?
Should I buy an expensive gift so my partner feels valued or something simple that speaks from the heart?
Should we go for the creative date or an overpriced restaurant?
What type of Valentine’s Day couple are you?
As a couples therapist, I notice some recurring themes around Valentine’s Day. Maybe you can see yourself in some of these examples…
LOVE/HATE
One partner loves it while the other hates Valentine’s Day. This dynamic is not one anyone wants to be a part of. You’re either chronically disappointed, or you feel guilty about doing nothing. So you run to the gas station on the 14th at 8pm hoping that they still have carnations.
ENTHUSIASTIC PARTICIPANTS
Both of you go big for it. It’s easier to achieve this dynamic when both partners are in agreement about the importance of the holiday. The downside can be that lots of positive energy goes into Valentine’s Day, shining a light on the scarcity of positive energy and effort toward the relationship for the rest of the year.
“MEH”
Here, both partners agree on the artificial nature of the holiday, find the commercialism off-putting, and either reject or are ambivalent about celebrating. Maybe one or both get silently disappointed but don’t feel like they can complain or be spoiled a little.
Valentine’s Day expectations
Mismatched and typically unspoken expectations of Valentine’s Day are a source of conflict and hurt feelings for many couples. The best way to address these issues is by having a conversation about the ways in which each partner feels cherished, appreciated, and courted by the other. These conversations can be very direct, such as “I want you make a reservation for dinner,” or more in-depth, where you discuss what is meaningful to you. These conversations can be as simple as “I want you to make a dinner reservation” or more complex, such that they explore what’s meaningful to both of you. Research shows this is a key component of a successful relationship. And, it may go without saying, but these conversations go better if you have them before you end up in a fight because one or both of you didn’t get your expectations met.
Whether you hate Valentine’s Day or you embrace every aspect of it, the holiday can offer an opportunity for joyful celebration of your emotional connection that can be fun, playful, and meaningful, without necessarily involving heart-shaped candy.
Valentine’s Day do’s
Acknowledge it.
Yeah, the holiday can be corny, and yeah, your partner may not be into it, but let them know you’re thinking about them.
Seize the day.
Think of the 14th as an opportunity to turn towards in whatever way you know your partner finds meaningful.
Focus on the positive.
Don’t be the couple that does an exhaustive analysis of their relationship struggles on Valentine’s Day
. Don’t be the couple who spends Valentine’s Day analyzing their relationship struggles. Give your partner the chance to come through for you. Give your partner opportunities to come through for you.Valentine’s Day do not’sDo nothing
and ignore the day. Even if your partner’s not the sentimental type, maybe they feel under
appreciated and could use some of your positive affection today. A small gesture is infinitely better than nothing.Assume
once a hater, always a hater. People change over time. You may now want something you once didn’t. Dark chocolate used to be a hate for my husband. He now likes dark chocolate. That’s okay. Wait until the 14
th before you find out how your partner feels about you and what’s most important to them. Fortune favors those who are brave. Ask today if you don’t understand. All year long. Keep asking.
