The Ultimate Guide to Holidays with In-Laws
Spending time with your in-laws may leave you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells.
Perhaps you got into a huge disagreement about politics earlier this year and things have been tense ever since. You may feel that your inlaws don’t accept you as a member of the family. John Gottman states that “every marriage involves a cross-cultural exchange, regardless of whether the people involved are from different cultures or not.” They come from different families and the family they create is a brand new culture that has never existed before.” The holidays can bring mixed feelings and expectations about this new family culture, especially when it comes to in-laws.
The following suggestions will empower you to handle uncomfortable situations with confidence.
Focus on your relationship
Surviving the holiday hustle requires open communication between you and your partner. You can have more constructive discussions with your partner by using a softer approach when you share the things that are making you anxious. These small moments can be the difference between a strong connection and a weak one during this difficult time. Make sure you are both on the same page and ready to support one another.
Remember, this is your partner’s family and they may have a different perspective of them than you. You’ll have to learn to accept each other’s views on their parents. If you can maintain respect and open communication throughout this process, you’ll both win.
Check your expectations
This time of year can create high levels of stress with lots of meal prepping, alcohol consumption, gift buying (for people you may not even know very well), and awkward conversations.
It doesn’t take a psychologist to notice your in-laws are different from your own parents. Recognize that you are engaging with people who have their own feelings, thoughts, and behaviors completely separate from you.
Acknowledge that your partner’s family traditions are often just that: generational traditions that began years before you. You may discover new things about yourself and your partner’s family this year if you approach your family gatherings with a curious mindset. that you never knew before.
Nobody is perfect, so don’t pressure yourself to be, and don’t expect to receive that from your family. Knowing this can help you not take things so personally.
Avoid People-Pleasing
People-pleasing your way through the holidays will lead to you feeling drained, anxious, and resentful. You should be yourself when you are with your in-laws. It is important to let your partner’s parents get to know you, just as they do with your partner. This will help you build authentic relationships. It’s not necessary to fight over champagne and pie. If you foresee family drama occurring over the holidays at any of your get-togethers, sit down with your partner beforehand and create a game plan together.
Come up with the exact things you will say to shut down any confrontation or fighting with other family members, especially in-laws. This is not acceptable. You are allowed to set boundaries!
Here’s some great starters:
“I have decided not to discuss that today. You can call me next week if you want to discuss this. We can talk about it another day after the holidays.”
You do not have to accept an invitation into an altercation or family feud. Have an exit strategy.
If all else fails and your partner is from a family with a lot of conflict, you should have a plan to get out.
If it’s not possible, make sure you have a plan for when things go wrong. You get an A for your effort in trying to be there for your partner’s family on special occasions, but you also do not have to stick around to engage in unhealthy, abusive, or extreme situations where you don’t feel comfortable.
Create a code word or phrase and agree to remove yourselves from any potentially scarring situations before they get too out of hand. Believe it or not, there are many people who feel that dysfunctional and abusive family dynamics are just something they have to endure and get over, which is simply not true.
Nurture your connection
That’s right, consider how you might actually lean into your relationship with your in-laws this holiday season. In the first few years of my marriage, I was apathetic and just “showed up” at holiday gatherings. This is typical of my introverted personality, but I realized that it sometimes came across as disinterested or like I wasn’t making an effort to engage with my new family. This is typical of my introverted personality but I noticed that sometimes it came across as being disinterested, or not trying to engage my new family. I called my inlaws and asked them what they thought of the idea. They also offered to help me prepare the ingredients. It was a big hit! You never know how a simple, playful idea could actually mend the gap between you and your family and bring you closer.
Commit to trying some new ways to respond to, and connect with, your in-laws this year. You can only grow when you leave your comfort zone. I’d love to know what you think. Sign up for Love Notes and get a free download. Sign up today and get a monthly free download. The NEW Gottman Relationship Adviser takes the guesswork out of improving your relationship.
