The grass is greener where you water it

Can I trust that you will respect me?

Dr. John Gottman studied more than 3,000 marriages in his Love Lab and found that the key to a successful marriage is trust. It needs to be cultivated.

These couples express appreciation for each other. They boast about their talents and accomplishments. Even in times of conflict, both parties consider each other’s point of view. Even when they disagree, they can empathize and are there for one another during stressful times or illness. Building trust

Trust can be built over a few small moments. Any interaction has the potential to connect with or turn away from your partner. You start to focus on the flaws of your partner. You forget about their traits you admire and value.

Eventually you start making what researcher Caryl Rusbult calls “negative comparisons.” You start to compare your spouse to someone else, real or imagined, and you think, “I can do better.”

Once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship, of trashing your partner instead of cherishing them, and building resentment rather than gratitude.

Behavioral economist Dan Ariely explains this phenomenon in dating.

5 ways to invest in your relationship

Building trust and commitment requires intentional effort. Here are fives ways to invest in your relationship.

Turn Towards Bids for Connection

Bids are the building blocks of lasting love. In a study by Dr. Gottman, newlyweds who remained together turned to each other 86% more often than couples who eventually divorced. That’s a big difference.

When bids fail, as they inevitably do in all relationships, seek to repair. Remember that repair attempts are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples.

Flip Your Internal Script

Negative thoughts cause you to miss 50% of your partner’s bids, according to research by Robinson and Price. It is difficult to build trust when you can’t separate your relationship issues from how you see your partner. Make an intentional effort to replace negative thoughts with compassion and empathy.

Ritualize Cherishing

The best way to keep yourself from making "negative comparisons" is to actively cherish your partner. Think positive thoughts to each other instead of thoughts about others. Thank you for sharing your adventurous spirit with me. You are such a great dad. They are gentle and give their partner a recipe to be successful with them. They are gentle and they give their partner a recipe to be successful with them.

Schedule a weekly State of the Union meeting to discuss areas of concern in your relationship.

Create We Time

It’s easy to find excuses for not dedicating time for your relationship. We are too busy. We’re always with the kids. Find time to go on dates. Ask each other open ended questions. Continue to create rituals that help you connect emotionally. You’ll never regret it. Choose each other every day.

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