The Gottman Institute
Ghosting is a common practice in the world of modern dating and relationships. The silent breakup is when someone with whom you’ve been emotionally involved suddenly disappears, leaving you confused and heartbroken.
But What Exactly is Ghosting, and Why Does it Happen?
Ghosting is a modern phenomenon that has become all too common in the world of dating and relationships. When your partner abruptly cuts off communication with you without explanation or warning, this is called ghosting. The person disappears, leaving you confused and wondering what happened. You may feel abandoned and confused when they stop answering your calls, texts or messages. Ghosting is a form of
passive relational aggression
, where the person chooses to withdraw from the relationship rather than engage in a direct and honest conversation about their feelings or reasons for ending the relationship.This silent breakup can be particularly devastating, as it leaves the ghosted individual without any closure or understanding of what happened. This sudden disappearance and lack of communication can be emotionally upsetting, leaving you feeling hurt and rejected. Here are some strategies to help you cope with ghosting, which can affect your trust and future relationships. What to Do If You’re the One Who Was Ghosted
Recovering from the aftermath of being ghosted requires a strong emphasis on
self-care
. It is important to put your own well-being first during this difficult time. It was not about your value or desire. You might blame yourself or obsess over what you “should” do differently. (In the mental health field, we call this “shoulding yourself”). You may be trying to express your feelings to the person who has left you. This excess energy can often be directed towards yourself. It could be a feeling of hopelessness, anger, or the conviction to never date anyone ever again. None of these strategies will help you heal and grow.Here are some alternatives:1. Seek Support from Loved Ones.
Reaching to trusted family members, friends, or a counselor can be a source of validation and emotional support during this difficult period. Suffering alone will only intensify the pain and loneliness.
2. Exercise, Meditation, or Hobbies Can Help You Regain Control and Stability
Practicing self-care can help you gain a sense stability and control. Here is a link for a progressive muscle relaxation exercise that can calm and soothe your nervous system. Feel Your Own Emotions Instead of Focusing On the Ghost
Resist your urge to check their social media accounts or to try and make sense of the disappearance. There are probably many unanswered issues that you will never be able to resolve. Instead of focusing
on your former partner, focus instead
. If you want to grow and heal, it’s essential to validate and acknowledge your hurt, anger and grief. What to do if you’re the ghostIf ghosting someone has made you feel bad, but you may not know why. You might not know what to do instead.One of the primary reasons for ghosting is avoidance. Directly discussing your dissatisfaction with someone or hurt feelings is never easy. It’s very hard to break up with someone who you love. This is a painful process that many people dislike. There are many country songs, and there is reality television. It’s why there are so many country songs and reality t.v. shows about it. Most people who ghost their partner don’t decide to stop communicating with them. It starts with not knowing what to talk about and delaying a difficult discussion. By claiming to be busy, they try to delay the conversation. They ignore their partner’s concerns and requests for assurance that everything is fine. It becomes increasingly difficult to admit the truth when this pattern is established. Ghosting might feel like the only option in an attempt to make it all go away without having to engage in a challenging conversation.
If any of this relates to you, it’s important to start by being honest with yourself. Avoiding difficult conversations can hurt those you love, and prevent you from experiencing the intimacy that comes with a transparent, vulnerable conversation. A courageous break-up can help both parties honor the time they spent together, gain closure, and move on to new relationships with greater self-awareness.
Here are some concrete steps and resources if you are guilty of ghosting, or tempted to do so because you see no other options.HERE is an article by Zach Brittle, a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist who walks you through how to break up with someone step-by-step. Brush up on your communication skills
Good communications require two key skills: (1) asking for what you want clearly, directly, and respectfully; and (2) validating the feelings and needs of your partner with warmth, empathy, and generosity. Here
, I show you how to discuss differences in a productive way.
While fear of confrontation is normal, and usually has deep roots connected to past experiences, the best way to confront any fear is by taking a small step toward it instead of
away
from it. Start with baby steps, like speaking up about a different opinion, or texting someone back when you’re tempted to ignore them.
Rebuilding Trust and Moving Forward After a Ghosting Experience
Recovering from the aftermath of ghosting can be a challenging and gradual process, but it is possible to rebuild trust and move forward in a healthy way. The key is to approach the situation with self-compassion, patience, and a willingness to learn from the experience.By prioritizing clear, compassionate, and consistent communication, we can build stronger, more resilient relationships that are less susceptible to the devastating impact of ghosting. This approach not only benefits our current relationships but also prepares us for future connections that are built on trust, understanding, and mutual respect.
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Whether you have been ghosted, or a ghost, try to have compassion for yourself and move forward by implementing
just one thing from this article that you’d like to do a tiny bit differently next time.
