The Four Horsemen of Defensiveness
The fourth horseman is defensiveness. This is defined as self protection in the form righteous anger or innocent victimhood, in an effort to repel a perceived assault. It is common for people to become defensive after being criticized. However, the perceived result is usually blame. It is usually a counterattack to a complaint, which is not criticism.
What does defensiveness look like?
Everyone has been defensive, and this horseman is almost always present when relationships are on the rocks. You may find excuses to make your partner back down when you feel you have been unfairly accused. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me; it’s you.” You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”
Complaint: “Did you call your parents to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”
Defensiveness: “I was just too busy today. You know my busy schedule! Why didn’t do you just do it?” They blame the other person instead. As a result, the problem is not resolved and the conflict escalates further, which paves the way for other horsemen, like criticism and contempt, to enter into the argument.
Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Just tell them that you are not taking them seriously or that you want them to believe something they do not. This partner’s defense is understandable, but it doesn’t work. They do not apologize or back down. The attacking spouse does not apologize or back down. Take responsibility.
The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility for your role in the situation, even if only for part of the conflict. In healthy relationships, partners don’t get defensive when discussing an area of conflict.
Complaint: “Did you call your parents to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”
Antidote: “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked for it this morning because I knew I would be busy. Let me call them right now.”
John Gottman talks to Anderson Cooper about defensiveness in the first half of this short clip:
Partners who avoid defensiveness instead take responsibility for their role in the issue and express an interest in their partner’s feelings. They will say “You are right, I should have known how tired you were.” You are making sense. Tell me more. You will be able to have a genuine dialogue with your partner when you do this. You become a team working through the problem together.
Is the TV on too much? Do you feel that your partner is always away? Do you feel overburdened by housework?
Do you feel like you spend too much time arguing about little things?
Imagine the conversations, arguments, and fights you have about conflict areas going differently, with less criticism or contempt and more understanding your partner’s needs, expressing your needs in a healthy way, and taking responsibility for things that went wrong. You’ll benefit from a more healthy approach if these conversations are frequent. Think about these two things when bringing up a particular problem:
What is your goal?
What is the real problem underlying the conflict?
When you have time, make a list of the subjects you want or need to address–the ones that never seem to get resolved. You can write down how you want the conversation to proceed. Next time you are faced with the same topic, use the above examples to help you replace defensiveness by taking responsibility. You will be pleasantly surprised with the results! You will be happily surprised with the results!
Understanding defensiveness
- Defensiveness is a tough one in that it is a more passive behavior than contempt or criticism. You may not be aware that you are in a defensive mode. You may not even realize that you are in a defensive state when you begin to react to your partner’s words. “It’s not my fault that we’re always late; it’s your fault.”
- Non-verbal communication
Remember that non-verbal cues are constantly exchanged in conversation, often picked up subconsciously by your brains while you are busy processing something else in the interaction. They are important to your understanding of what the speaker is trying to say, whether you know it or not. The tone, body language and facial expressions are not specific to any ethnic or cultural group. They can be recognized by anyone. Other non-verbal signals are less obvious. Even if you have the best of intentions, a serious misinterpretation can make even the most positive approach crumble. Though you may have your partner’s best interests in mind, if they misinterpret your message, you’re likely allowing more horsemen into the situation: criticism can evoke a defensive response, followed by a contemptuous statement, leading to emotional withdrawal and stonewalling.
