The Four Horsemen: Critique
The most common of the Four Horsemen is criticism. People are naturally curious and will search for reasons why they feel bad. Over time, this can become a habit. They scan their environment for other people’s transgressions and mistakes to account for their own annoyances or disappointments.
Sometimes, people keep track of their partner’s mistakes but don’t say anything so they can avoid conflict, but that really causes them to bottle up anger or frustration until it turns into resentment. They then search for patterns in the mistakes of their partner and create an explanation which is expressed as “you” statements of blame. You don’t care what I say! While complaints focus on a specific issue, criticism is an attack on the character of your partner. You are not criticizing a particular action or behavior but rather your partner’s character. And words like always and never imply that the other person has a consistent and negative personality flaw.
Criticism can have devastating effects because it makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. This can lead to a pattern of criticism that becomes more frequent and intense. A complaint is a more positive way to express a concern or request. It doesn’t have the same negative connotation as criticism, because it does not blame, but instead expresses an urgent need. Could we discuss your day? I have a lot to say. Use a soft start-up. For example, here is a common criticism:
“You said you’d wash the dishes, but there’s still a pile in the sink. You never do what you say you will.”
Here is a gentle start-up, which is the opposite of criticism:
“There’s still some dirty dishes in the sink. Please clean up the dishes. Use “I” statements to express your needs and feelings. Avoid using “you’ statements or expressing negative judgments, as this will make your partner uncomfortable. Here is an example of criticism that uses a “you” statement that criticizes with a negative judgment:
“Come on, we’re going to be late! Is it on purpose that you’re being late?
Here is an example of a gentle start up, which does not criticize or blame and clearly states the partner’s need:
“Hey, we are running late.” It’s important to me to get there on time.”
