Ten Insights from a Family Therapist on Remarkable Parenting
At any given time, you’ll find four or more parenting books on my Amazon wish list, a few by my nightstand, and an email inbox chock full of insightful parenting theories and approaches.
Granted, child development is my career, but I speak with plenty of parents in my practice who find themselves in similar circumstances. As a family therapist I have seen well-intentioned people use strategies that don’t meet the emotional and developmental needs of their families or children. I have also seen an increasing number parents successfully charting out new, healthier ways to raise children. Kids will behave like children.
Often, parents forget that they learn from their mistakes. Making mistakes. Immature behavior. Parents get frustrated and impatient, becoming annoyed with whininess and “back talk” when really this is how kids are wired. Immature behavior is common for young people with immature minds. Set limits with respect and not criticism.
Our kids will need many limits in their day because they are learning everything from us. Without proper limits in their environment, kids will feel anxious and out of control.
Limits can be delivered in the form of criticism and shaming, or they can be communicated in a firm but respectful way. Consider how you like to be spoken to in the workplace and build from there. Be aware of the developmental stages
Have ever wondered where your normally calm toddler went when they suddenly screamed bloody murder as you dropped them off at daycare. Hello separation anxiety!
There are literally hundreds of very normal, very healthy transitions kids go through to become adults. Being aware of these puts their puzzling behaviors into context, and increases the odds of reacting to them accurately and supportively.
4. Know your child’s temperament and personality
It seems pretty obvious, but if we are in tune with the characteristics that make our child unique, we will have a better understanding of when they may need additional support, and when and where they will thrive.
Once you know the basics of what makes your child tick, many important areas become much easier to navigate, such as pinpointing the best environment for homework, or understanding why your daughter needs to come home from overnight summer camp.
5. Play is the best way for your child to learn and grow. It means allowing time every day for unstructured play, controlled by the child, that explores the world.
6. Listen and talk when appropriate. Kids are pretty good at solving problems if they’re allowed to. We want to help them succeed and we are often tempted to solve their problems by lecturing or criticizing them. Being heard is powerfully therapeutic, and it allows us to think things through and reach a solution.
Kids want and need to be heard, and feel understood. Like the rest of us.
7. You need to have an identity apart from your child. Parents need more in their daily lives. We need to nurture the friendships, passions and hobbies that make us who we are as individuals.
Doing this can feel like a battle, as our protective anxieties try to convince us our children can’t be without us, and also that we can’t be without them. We can and must be able to do this in order to remain sane and to avoid burdening our children with our emotional needs. Understanding that actions are more powerful than words
Your child will learn the most from your interactions with them and how you live your life. They are much more intuitive and observant than we think. They are always watching.
This can be slightly inconvenient for parents, but if we’re able to keep it in mind, knowing our children are watching our actions will not only teach them how to behave, but it will make us better people.
9. Fun and connection
Recognize the importance of connection, fun and creativity in promoting positive behavior and a cooperative mindset. Our kids don’t learn well from fear and control. If our child is valued by us, they’ll naturally value others and be confident to make good decisions. Set the overall goal of shaping a child’s character and not only their behavior.
We are often given the impression that parenting is about producing a well-behaved, compliant child. While these are certainly desirable qualities for most parents, they are not core qualities that contribute to a happy and healthy human.
Helping our children understand the importance of their thoughts and emotions gives them coping and relationship skills. These skills will protect and guide them throughout their lives.
Changing our parenting habits and styles is never easy, but if it’s truly in the best interest of our children, it’ll always be worth it. These 10 insights will help you begin your journey to a deeper connection with your child.
