Stress and Relationships
How Stress Can Affect Relationships
Even the most loving couples can fight, and they may do so in a manner that is not in line with their intentions or integrity. Even the most loving of couples can act out in upsetting situations, such as yelling or stomping away from the conversation. When couples are upset, they often say things like, “I don’t know why I do that when I’m angry…I don’t mean it”, or, “I wish that I could be a better listener…I don’t know what happens when we argue…it’s like I blackout”, or, “Of Course I Want to Be Able to Have These Conversations, But Every Time I Try, I Get So Frustrated That I Just Have to Leave the Room”.
How DPA is Related to Flooding
Flooding occurs when the body responds to a perceived threat. The body releases stress hormones when someone is flooded. These stress hormones alter the way that the mind and body operate. The body may experience changes in breathing, muscles might tighten, and the heart might race (on average, above 100 BPM). We might also feel a dry mouth, or need to urinate frequently. The mind also changes. In an effort to protect ourselves, we become more self-focused. We are more likely than not to use Gottman’s Four Horsemen, such as saying critical things rather than discussing topics with kindness. We may also become defensive, instead of leading with curiosity. Internal and external causes of flooding
You may become flooded in relationships due to internal or external stressors. External stressors are stressful experiences that occur outside the relationship. You may be worried about losing your work, getting stuck in traffic on your way home or finding out that your parent needs hospice care. Internal stressors can come from the relationship itself – for example, if you and your partner are more distant, if they have less sex or if you argue more often. When stressors, whether internal or external, exceed our capacity to control them, we suffer from “self-regulation depletion”, which leads to a state of flooding. People who are under high stress levels, whether they are at home or outside of it, are more likely than others to snap at each other. They are also less likely to resolve their problems. When John Gottman studied couples, he discovered that it took approximately 20 minutes for stress hormones to exit the bloodstream. If you and your partner are having an argument, and you both are yelling or walking out the room because you’re stressed, follow these steps instead:
Ask your partner for a short break.
Take a 20-minute break to get out of a state of diffuse physiological stimulation. You can agree on a date and time to discuss.
Do a Stress Relieving Activity
During the break do a stress relieving activity like taking a walk, writing in a journal, or taking a shower.
Avoid texting your partner, calling someone on the phone to talk about how mad you are, or googling about whatever topic initiated the argument. You need to take space from the stressor.
Offer Repair When Coming Back Together
When you return to each other, take a moment to reassure the other person you’d like to try to have the conversation again. You can offer some repair by apologizing. This builds trust and safety. Use a gentle start-up
During a conversation, express your feelings and needs, and talk for yourself by using “I” statements. How To Reduce Stress Spillover
If you’re experiencing a lot of stress in your lives and you’ve noticed it has impacted the way in which you connect at home, it’s important to work to reduce stress spillover by:
Making a list of your stressors to review so you can consider how to navigate them differently as a couple
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Consider what you can shed, what you can prevent, and what you must adapt to.
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Create a plan together to reduce stress by shedding obligations and tasks that are not necessary, preventing issues that can be prevented, and adapting through utilizing stress reduction techniques to the things you cannot change.
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As you and your partner work to navigate stress together, you will build stronger “muscles” for managing flooded states and protecting your relationship from stress. If you are experiencing stress in your relationship don’t wait for it to cause lasting damage. Visit Gottman Inc. for more information on relationship health and stress management.
