Shame and How to Deal With It
Shame can be a crippling feeling. It affects both the mind and the body. Shame can make you feel insignificant and unfinished while creating walls to block out compassion. Shame can cause people to hide behind masks, despite wanting to be known and seen.
Healthy Shame vs. Toxic Shame
Shame affects people in all cultures and countries. Social shaming is used in schools and homes to enforce expected behavior. Healthy shame is important to maintain a society that is ethical and intact, but it is not what causes so much distress and pain for people. Healthy shame leads to self-correction and forgiveness, as well as growth. Toxic shame can, on the contrary, be harmful to your mental health. It is deeply absorbed into the nervous system. Toxic shame is a self-punishment that lingers. It often uses negative self talk, such as “I’m such a bad guy, I gave up” instead of “I did anything bad.” How can I fix ?”), I’m not good enough (instead “I deserve to be just as I am, AND I can improve myself”) and “I’m a failure” instead of “It is okay to fail”. I’m learning. You can try it again .”). These negative beliefs are taught by shame-inducing caregivers and teachers, as well as bullies, partners, or friends. Feeling isolated, disconnected and more likely engage in self destructive behaviors is the result. According to Brene’s research on shame, it is linked to bullying, violence, aggression and depression. How to get rid of shame?
Here is the truth about the power that shame has over you and your psychological health. Shame is often a result of the fear that people will think less about you if you share your story or are who you really are. It goes against our need for acceptance. Inner feeling of safety
Creating an inner sense of security is a part of healing. It allows you to share your shame. You can’t talk about your shame if you don’t trust yourself. Tell your story to people who are safe and will not judge. This safety is essential to feeling vulnerable. Talking with a therapist you feel comfortable around can help to start the process of internal safety. All of this, if done correctly, will externalize shame. Shame is no longer “you”; it’s something you have picked up, and are now choosing to let go. Externalizing shame can be a powerful tool. You can learn to be more compassionate towards yourself and others through this process. When you share vulnerable stories in a safe environment, shame disappears. According to Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory of safety, humans need it to be creative and to connect with each other. Gentleness creates an environment for co-regulation when people are kind. To be supportive of each other and to promote co-regulation, both people need to express trust and safety. These cues help calm the autonomic system. The calming of physiological state helps create safe and trusting relationships.
When your nervous system detects danger, you move from connection into states of protection. Shame protects you because it believes you won’t be liked if you don’t. You must show your nervous system it is safe to tell your story, and that you’re still worthy and likable. You may feel internal resistance when you step out of your shame. This can come in the form of negative thoughts or bodily reactions telling you that it’s not safe. Even when you are with supportive and safe people, this is a trauma response. This is a trauma response and you need skills to soothe and manage it.
Distress Tolerance Skills
Another part of healing is developing distress tolerance skills–managing the uncomfortable emotions that arise when you choose to express your shame. You need to process and share your shame in order to be free of it. Even with supportive, safe people, it can be difficult to share your shame. When you’re dysregulated, you can’t be rational. When you are experiencing overwhelming emotions, many of your coping mechanisms will only make things worse. These unhelpful methods include ruminating on past mistakes and problems, worrying about the near future, isolating oneself, numbing yourself with substances, and taking your feelings out on others by becoming angry and blaming. As you can see, none of these are helpful.
Final Thought
What healthy coping skills do you have that soothe you when you are upset? The therapy can help you develop these skills to make your journey out of shame more manageable. You can learn distress tolerance skills from a licensed mental healthcare professional. They can also help you process the source of your shame.
Remember that anyone can experience shame. You are not the only one. Healing is possible.
