Seven Steps to Success for Stepfamilies
The stakes in marriage are high for those who want to do it right the second or third time. As ominous as this sounds, there are key steps you and your partner can take to maintain a happy remarriage. As ominous as this sounds, there are key steps you and your partner can take to maintain a happy remarriage.
In his book Stepfamilies, James Bray found that at the heart of every well-functioning blended family is a stable and happy marriage, and research by The Gottman Institute found that the strength of a couple’s relationship ultimately determines the family’s success.
Remarried couples need a strong foundation of trust and communication in order to buffer the challenges that arise from stepfamily life, and with the understanding that marriage satisfaction determines stepfamily stability, a loving and well-adjusted stepfamily is possible when couples commit to taking the time and action necessary to get there.
These helpful tips provide a guide for couples who are navigating the ups and downs of remarriage.
Set Realistic Expectations
Couples can become disillusioned quickly when they fail to anticipate the number of difficulties unique to stepfamily life. Caught up in love and having a sense of family once again, they can forget that blended families are not a restoration of what once existed, but rather a brand new construction of family life.
Once blended families face key issues head-on like finances, stepchildren dynamics, and navigating relationships with ex-spouses, then they can create the right atmosphere for a new family to grow and blossom.
Communication Is Key
It is critical that remarried couples learn how to communicate effectively and not be afraid to discuss sensitive topics as they arise. Couples can get stuck on marital issues if they don’t have the basics of listening and understanding. Gottman’s study found that 69% conflict cannot be resolved. There is no way to eliminate the inevitable. Instead, couples should seek to manage conflict with empathy, compassion, and understanding.
Gottman also warns couples against engaging in the four most destructive relationship behaviors, known as The Four Horsemen, during disagreements (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling). Using “I” statements to express your feelings and needs, accepting responsibility, staying respectful, having gratitude and appreciation for your partner’s positive traits and actions, and being able to take a break when things get tough are all helpful ways to keep arguments from escalating and to avoid these behaviors.
Parent Together, Not Separately
Loyalty to your own child is real and valid, and can feel very strong. Stepparent discipline can be a sensitive topic. It is important to establish roles for parenting and discipline early on and adjust as needed according to each child’s developmental cycle. It’s important to establish roles for parenting and discipline early on and adjust as needed to each child’s developmental cycle.
According to Bray, the adolescent period of a child’s life can be a very difficult phase in stepfamily development – one that usually catches the couple off guard and can cause great strain to the family dynamic as a whole. Create your own unique family system. Purely biological families are seared together with fierce devotion and love, yet stepfamilies stew together slowly, taking time to bond and become unshakeable.
Bray’s research found that stepfamilies often don’t feel like a unit until several years after formation. Allow yourself time to develop and grow as a family. Establishing special family traditions, such as a pizza and movie night every week or a family outing once a month to your favorite restaurant can help you in this process. Shared experiences like these can help families bond and form their own unique identity.
Stay Connected to Your Partner
Staying true to your shared goals as a couple and supporting each other’s future hopes and dreams is essential for staying unified. Daily check-in conversations, engaging in shared hobbies and interests, and regular date nights away from the kids helps to keep the relationship strong, romantic, and deeply connected.
Practice Patience and Understanding
The blending of families is like a marathon, not a sprint. Commit to your journey, and find ways to learn and enjoy each moment of happiness or frustration. Did your stepkids tease or mock you because you won again at family game night? Keep it lighthearted and tease back. Has your partner disobeyed your discipline wishes? Keep in mind that you are both on the same team. Stay the course and don’t give up
When you find yourself in a tough situation or your family is having trouble integrating, remember the reason you started together. Every relationship has its own challenges. Couples that commit to working together to overcome obstacles will have a stronger foundation for the future. Supportive statements like, “This is a rough time for us, but we’re going to get through it” or “We’re in this together no matter what” can provide powerful motivation.
Remarried couples committed to success do best when they understand the importance of having a strong marital relationship that acts as the foundation for the blended family’s happiness. Marriage can be an adventure, with all its ups and downs, for you, your partner and your blended family.
