Little Things can make or break your relationship
What is an emotional bidding? These attempts at engagement or emotional bids are any efforts on the part one partner to get their partner’s interest or connect. These bids can be as glaringly obvious as a direct request for cuddling at bedtime or as subtle as an indirect comment about the weather, addressed to no one in particular.
Gottman found that partners who consistently responded positively — or turned toward — each other’s emotional bids were significantly more likely to feel satisfied. They were also more likely to remain together in the long run than couples who didn’t. Gottman found that in a six year study of newlywed couples, couples who stayed together responded to each other’s emotions 86% of the times. How can I respond when someone makes an emotional request? Gottman found that people respond in four ways when their partner makes an emotional appeal to them. Each response can support or undermine a relationship’s feeling of togetherness and safety. We can choose:
1. Turn toward our partner
2. Turn our partner in a positive way
2. Turn away from our partners
4. He has a choice.
He can turn toward his wife with a short and simple “Yes, it is,” acknowledging her bid.
He can engage in a longer conversation about the day.
Or he can turn away from her by ignoring the comment.
Or he could turn against her by gruffly asking for some peace and quiet.
What would this look like?
In our introductory example – if – He can choose to acknowledge her emotional bid by saying “Yes, that’s right.” Or he can engage her in a conversation to learn more about her day. You don’t have to deliver endless energy, attention, and focus to be a relationship master.
Little things make or break your relationship
- By consistently turning toward your partner when they reach for you in small ways, you fortify your relationship against the stresses and obstacles of life. A small emotional bid is how we ask our partners daily, “Are You Here With Me?” or “Do I Matter to You?” This becomes more important when there was previous infidelity, or either partner had a trauma history. You can strengthen your connection and trust by receiving a “yes” to these questions throughout your relationship. You will better connect with your partner if you look for ways to turn towards them. You invest in your relationship’s health and security every time you turn towards your partner to respond to an emotional request. This sense of security, of feeling truly able to know and be known by your partner, created by intentionally and consistently turning toward your partner, deepens your shared sense of intimacy and is correlated with increased marital satisfaction.
- As John Gottman reminds us in his work, it’s the small things done often that make the biggest difference in relationships. Turning toward your partner’s emotional needs will protect your relationship from disrepair, and increase the love between you.
