It’s not rocket science to have a great sex life

In their book The Normal Bar, Chrisanna Northrup and Pepper Schwartz conducted an online survey with 70,000 people from 24 countries. The authors were interested in what couples with a good sex experience might have different from couples with a bad one. Even though the results are limited by self-reporting, they have some interesting implications. Perel advises couples to avoid cuddling. Perel also believes that emotional connections will get in the way for good erotic connection. This brings me to a key finding from the Normal Bar study.

Fact: Couples who have a great sex life everywhere on the planet are doing the same set of things.

Additionally, couples who do not have a great sex life everywhere on the planet are not doing these things.

Inspired by the Normal Bar study, as well as by my own research studies on more than 3,000 couples over four decades, I’ve identified 13 things all couples do who have an amazing sex life.

They say “I love you” every day and mean it

They kiss one another passionately for no reason

1. They give surprise romantic gifts
2. They know what turns their partners on and off erotically
3. They are physically affectionate, even in public
4. They keep playing and having fun together
5. They cuddle
6. They make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list
7. They stay good friends
8. They can talk comfortably about their sex life
9. They have weekly dates
10. They take romantic vacations
11. They are mindful about turning toward
12. In short, they turn toward one another with love and affection to connect emotionally and physically. They are physically affectionate, even in public
13. They can talk comfortably about their sex lives

They have weekly dates

They take romantic vacations

They turn toward each other with love and affection to connect emotionally and physically. Perel’s intuition is in conflict with international data. It is not difficult.

1. Fact: Couples have a bad sexlife everywhere on the planet. It is not difficult.
2. Fact: Couples have a bad sex life everywhere on the planet.
3. The Sloan Center at UCLA studied 30 dual-career heterosexual couples in Los Angeles. These couples had young children. They found that most of these young couples:
4. Spend very little time together during a typical week
5. Become job-centered (him) and child-centered (her)
6. Talk mostly about their huge to-do lists

Seem to make everything else a priority other than their relationship

Drift apart and lead parallel lives

Are unintentionally turning toward one another

One researcher on this project told me it was his They discovered that most of these young couples:

Spend very little time together during a typical week

Become job-centered (him) and child-centered (her)

Talk mostly about their huge to-do listsSeem to make everything else a priority other than their relationshipDrift apart and lead parallel lives

Are unintentional about turning toward one another01001010One researcher on this project told me it was his impression that these couples spent only about 35 minutes together every week in conversation, and most of their talk was about errands and tasks that they had to get done.01001010So, if we put these two studies together, what does it tell us? The study says couples shouldn’t avoid each other emotionally, as Perel suggests. Instead, they should follow the simple 13 things everyone does to have a great sex life. The model says that each person has both a sexual brake (or asexual accelerator) and a sexual accelerator. Some people have a more developed brake, while others have a more developed accelerator. It’s important to learn what for you and for your partner steps on that sex brake, that says, “No, I’m not in the mood for lovemaking.”01001010It’s also important to learn what for you and for your partner steps on that accelerator, that says, “Oh yes, I’m in the mood for lovemaking.” We have a mobile app designed for this purpose. The app contains over 100 questions for a woman to answer about her brake or accelerator and over 100 other questions for a man to ask about his brake or accelerator. 01001010Great sexuality is not rocket-science. By being good friends, by being affectionate (yes, even cuddling), and by talking openly about sex, couples can build a thriving relationship inside and outside of the bedroom.01001010Sign Up and Start Your Relationship Transformation01001010Subscribe to 01001010Gottman Love Notes01001010 and get the latest on relationships, therapy, and much more from the experts. Subscribe to 01001010Gottman Love Notes01001010 and get the latest on relationships, therapy, and much more from the experts.

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