I’m raising girls who are “includers” instead of “mean girls”
I remember walking into my new school’s cafeteria and feeling like someone had punched me. I was in the sixth grade. My family just moved to Ohio from Virginia. Initially, I went to the local Catholic School. In the first two weeks, I begged my parents to send me to the public school. The girls had been so cruel to me. They were cruel, I think. As sixth grade brought oily skin, and some breakouts, they would call me Lisa Acneman. My parents’ decision to change my school made me feel relieved. I headed to public school. But soon I found out that it didn’t matter whether I went to parochial or public school: girls were still mean.
Instantly, a group of girls took me in
They invited me to sit at their lunch table. They invited me to sit at their lunch table. I was grateful to have good friends, but a little naive. It’s possible that I was naive because I was raised in a family where everyone supported each other, so I assumed that people were the same when I went “out into the real world”. I looked up at the table I’d been at for the last week. It was my first week of school. Eight girls were at the table. Eight people could not sit at a table. My heart sank. I walked up to the table, and asked feebly “Is there room for me here?” I hoped that I might be wrong or it was not as it appeared. I could not feel my feet. I felt dizzy. I was in a small cafeteria, so I knew someone would soon notice me. I didn’t like anyone looking at me. My hands were clammy and my ears were ringing. My heart was pounding out of my chest. The eight girls whispering snickers were like a dagger in my back. The teachers were not aware of the incident because there was no fight or explosion. So, I sat down. But I didn’t. But I didn’t.
I sat alone for two months
Eventually, I sat with a new group of people. I was able to have some positive experiences during the two years we lived in Ohio. One of my friends from that time is still one that I am close with today. The two girls who had banished me to the lunch table were still bullies. As a psychotherapist who has grown up and understands the real situation, I would call them bullies. It was the type of “friends”, who invited you to their house and made you feel good. It’s happened to all of us. This happens during childhood. As a psychotherapist I know first-hand that people hurt others because they’re hurting. I’ve counseled both bullies and those who are bullied. These old memories, even if they are healed, can make us feel tender. In a minute, I will share the story.
But before that, I would like to share my triumph. What came out of my experiences with “mean girls”?
I became an “includer”
After these heartbreaking experiences, I became someone who sees the outsider and looks to include them. I learned to bring people in, make them feel important, and include them. I practiced forgiveness.
Those two bullies? They didn’t ask my forgiveness, but I still forgave. Who are the other people who have hurt you? Others I’ve hurt? I am working to receive forgiveness and extend forgiveness to others. Everyone and everything is included. As a coach and psychotherapist, I am able to hold space and teach people how to embrace all parts of themselves, even those they may have ignored, pushed aside, kept quiet or thrown to the side. I can be with a client while they learn how excluding something creates even more suffering.
I am an “includer in my family
As a parent, Brian and me model compassion and empathy for our children. As parents, Brian and I model compassion and empathy to our children. On good days, I’m able to say “I will abide with you.” “I’ll be there with you.” There are also days when I get short-tempered and snap at them. Then, we begin again. We come back together and include even those less-than-perfect moments in our human and imperfect way of being family.
Our family has become “includers”
We are about community and creating space–in our home, in our lives, in our hearts–for adults and children to feel loved and included just as they are.
Through gentleness, compassion, and mindful attention, these early experiences of rejection, betrayal, and hurt transformed me. With lots of grace, I transformed these painful experiences through loving attention and learning to include everything with compassion and mindfulness. It’s good, even holy, because they help me see others’ hurt and to be compassionate with them. My daughter told me about a girl at pre-k. She was four years old. My daughter is 4.
The specifics aren’t my business, but hearing my daughter’s story broke my heart. I spoke with other moms and I am so grateful that I’m surrounded by moms who also are “inclusive” – both in our circle of mom friends as well as our children. I spoke with my husband. And, most importantly, I talked with my daughter.
When my daughter–your daughter–is looking back on her childhood, she will tell her own story and I hope it will be one of how we walked alongside our girls. How we empowered our girls.
I wish all of our daughters would one day share stories such as:
-“My parents advocated for me and stood by my side in situations that needed adult intervention. They would not act out of anger or fear. “I learned how to work through problems with other women and girls in a way that respects and honors each woman and girl’s body, emotions, experiences, needs, and feelings.” I learned how to ask for assistance. “I learned how to speak out. I learned to speak up for myself and for others in the face of injustice – on the playground, in the hallways between classes in middle school, or in international peace negotiations.”
–“I learned to be an includer. I learned how to be mindfully present with my inner landscape. From this place of inclusion I also learned how to include others and walk alongside them.”
In the experience of mindfulness, compassion and meditation in my life, nothing is excluded. Exclusion causes suffering. Inclusion promotes healing. This is what I model for my daughter
I’m sure you also want to model it to your daughter. You are your daughter’s sacred space. This is how to heal the “mean girl” culture. We hold, include, love, empower, and regard our daughters. We model this by how we treat women. Can you imagine making a space for her to be able to talk, to be with her and to empower? Can you imagine raising girls who “include”?
Can you imagine all modeling how to be an “includer”? And resolving conflicts, hurts, or insecurities with regard and compassion?
Can you imagine how this would impact our world if we raise daughters who know how to name what is happening within them and a situation? They know how to stand up for justice? And who include rather than exclude because they have an inner confidence and have been raised to listen to the wisdom of their inner voice? Lisa is self-publishing Gems of Delight, seasonal inspirations for mothers to heal the rush and embrace what’s sacred. This article was first published on Motherly, and has been edited with the author’s permission. The Gottman Institute has conducted over 50 years of research on thousands of couples. They have proven that small changes can lead to big ones. Have a moment? Please sign up.
