How to say “yes”
In theory, the majority of people think it is a good thing for both partners to be involved in making decisions. You think you are good at working together, compromising and going back-and-forth, but your partner is not flexible. Research conducted by Drs. Gottman and Jacobson found that men who are willing to accept the influence of their female partners have more fulfilling and happier relationships. The research showed paradoxically that the more influence that a partner is willing to accept in a relationship, the greater their influence will be. Both partners must accept and have influence in order for intimate relationships to work. This is the mark of a good relationship. Both partners should feel fair and there must be a reciprocal pattern of respecting influence. What does it mean accept influence?
When discussing this concept in couples therapy, sometimes there is a belief that to truly accept the influence of your partner you must comply or go along with them. A client told me recently that if I simply said “Yes, dear,” everything would be fine. Accepting influence does not mean you agree or give in, but rather that you are open to your partner’s ideas and opinions. Accepting influence means that you accept your partner’s valid viewpoint. Accepting influence means you are open to being influenced and may even change your viewpoint. Accepting influence is saying, “You’re important and I value your opinion, even (and bonus points if you agree) if I disagree with you.” One partner may be clearly rejecting their partner or insisting on having it all their way. Some are subtler, like when one partner appears to be seeking input but has already made their decision. Many people will say “no” or gesture it as a means to control a conversation, even when they agree with the partner. It’s not uncommon for people to say “no” to their partner, even if they agree with them. There are many reasons why this happens, but the message is the same: “No.” They think, ‘It’s not going to get me anywhere.’ Both ends of this spectrum can create power struggling and resentment.
Do you and your partner accept each other’s influence? Take our Love Quiz.
How to accept influence
So, how can you avoid the tugs-of-war that happen around this issue of influence?
First, check yourself
Self-awareness is key. It’s likely that you are not intentionally shutting down your partner, but inadvertently doing it. It may sound as if they are expressing their opinion, but in reality, it is ‘…, and that’s the only opinion you should care about. Listen with curiosity to what the other person has to say. It is so much harder to do this when you disagree, but the solution you can ultimately come to is going to feel a lot better if both of you feel understood and respected.
Remember the resear
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The more influence you accept, the more influential you will be. Look for ways to “yes.” Think of it as looking for ways to say “yes,” even if that is a simple acknowledgment, such as, “I see your point.” For many, this can be a challenge, but you have to ask yourself: Do you want to be right or do you want to stay together?
Find out how well you accept influence
How can you know you’re in a happy relationship that’s both good for your health and everyone around you? How can you tell if your relationship is healthy for both of you and those around? Take this free couples quiz to find out how well you know your partner and whether you are developing a negative perspective. Take this free couples quiz and find out how well you know your partner and whether you are developing a negative perspective.
For an in-depth analysis of your relationship health check out the Gottman Relationship Adviser, a virtual relationship evaluation and improvement tool for couples.
