How to have a successful second or third marriage
For remarried people, going through a divorce after a first or second unhappy marriage makes them more discerning and able to accept a new partner that is different from their former spouse. After a divorce, it takes patience and time to build a second or third successful marriage. People will consciously select a partner who shares their view of marriage, values, interests, and even sense of humor.
However, since 42% of people bring one or more children to a remarriage, conflict and rivalries between family members – especially stepparents and stepchildren – can make day to day life stressful and chaotic at times. Adopting realistic expectations will help you navigate these challenges and build a successful second or third marriage.
Building a successful second marriage…It takes time
Many relationships after divorce require careful navigation, especially when building a new family dynamic in a second marriage. Most experts agree that it can take a remarried couple up to four years to reach a state of equilibrium after getting married. Will, 48, Marie, 47 were not ready for the conflicts between them and their children. Will’s ten-year-old daughter, Katie, spends weekends with them and Marie’s thirteen-year-old twins, Tess and Abby, live with them full-time.
Since Marie fell head over heels in love with Will when they met eight years ago, she thought that remarried life would run on automatic. She did not expect that conflict would arise due to trivial issues such as who is doing the chores and the rivalry between the children over Marie and Will’s attention. Money is a sensitive subject for many couples. However, the financial issues of a second marriage are often more complex than those of a first one. These include child support, alimony and other expenses that come with blended families. It is important to learn how to handle remarried finances well. This includes learning to have constructive, low-conflict conversations about money. I did not anticipate the difficulty of blending our personalities, families and parenting styles. But we’re figuring out to how bounce back after a disagreement by finding time to talk things through.”
Communication is key
Taking your time to decide the kind of marriage that would work for you can be a silver lining to divorce because you’ll be more likely to go into your second or third marriage with your eyes wide open. According to psychologist Ellie Lisitsa, you can have a more fulfilling second marriage if you allow yourself to be vulnerable. You should use a “
soft-start-up
“, which is not harsh and creates the foundation for listening and an open dialogue. It is important to avoid using “You” statements, such as: “You never listen me,” while telling your partner what you are feeling (using “I”) statements, such as: “I’m concerned about our finances.” You can get back on track by improving your repair skills after a disagreement or regrettable event. In his book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work (
), relationship expert Dr. John Gottman describes the use of repair attempts by emotionally intelligent couples as a secret weapon to keep their marriages flourishing. Repair attempts are any verbal or physical actions or statements that aim to diffuse negativity or prevent a conflict from getting worse. Dr. Gottman’s “Love Lab” research, which spanned over 40 years, revealed that the best way to solve marital issues is to become proficient at repairing after an argument. He says that repair efforts allow couples to feel heard, and are an important way to prevent resentment. By discussing issues with respect and in a timely manner, Marie and Will have learned to navigate tricky issues within their blended family. They are also strengthening their bond through resolving disagreements and disputes in a positive and quick way. Will revealed that they had celebrated their sixth wedding anniversary in a nearby resort, and that their commitment to one another was stronger than ever. 7 How to make your second marriage successful1. Make your marriage a priority.
Make a plan as a couple to do things you enjoy with and without your children. Even if you just go for a stroll or grab a sandwich in a restaurant, a “date night” can be a very enriching experience. Create daily and weekly rituals to connect. Put two to three hours alone time in your weekly calendar. You can either break this time into 30-minute blocks or spend it in larger blocks. Spend time with your partner using new methods
. Play pickleball or take ballroom dancing classes. Select activities that you and your partner will both enjoy. You’ll be more likely to follow through if you choose activities that both of you enjoy. You can choose to rotate the activities that you will do. You can choose low-cost or free activities like a picnic, or games. Establish an open-ended dialogue between you and your partner.
Don’t be surprised if some of your discussions are heated – especially around hot-button issues such as money, chores, vacations, etc. Set ground rules to ensure respectful behavior. For example, “No name calling or yelling” is not allowed. Plan regular time to talk about money. Check-ins should include an update on your short- and long-term goal, as well as your shared vision of the future. Listening, transparency, and validating the other person’s perspective are key. Meet at least once per month, or more often as needed. Use active listening and turn toward your partner. In The Love Prescription
, Dr.’s John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman write that how couples respond to bids for connection is the biggest predictor of their happiness. It means that you should respond to your partner by making eye contact, and making positive remarks (turning toward them), rather than walking away (screen-time) or changing the subject (changing the topic). Saying “I am interested in what you are saying” instead of “I am too busy to speak to you.” Get good at repair attempts
. After an argument or regrettable event, it is a good idea to try and repair the situation by processing the incident without re-igniting arguments. Couples need to learn how to deescalate and repair conflicts. According to Gottman research
successful conflict management ideally is about hearing each other’s position and understanding the dreams hidden beneath the surface of your disagreement.
The best way to beat the odds and to see your second (or third) marriage succeed is to:
Get better at repair attempts when you’re experiencing conflict.Make intentional time together a priority.
Have realistic expectations. The best way to have a second marriage succeed is to:
Get better at repairing relationships when you’re experiencing conflict.Make intentional time together a priority.
Have realistic expectations. Working on relationship skills and family dynamics can make a second marriage stronger.
Determination, respect, acceptance, patience, and having a good sense of humor can go a long way to improving your chances of success the second (or third) time around.
