How to Develop your EQ
What is emotional intelligence in the first place?
Emotional intelligence (EQ) in relationships is being able to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions, and to attune to your partner’s emotions. When couples build emotional intelligence together, they tend to communicate more openly, trust deeper, and stay emotionally connected, especially when life gets hard. When couples build emotional intelligence together, they tend to communicate more openly, to trust more deeply, and to stay more connected emotionally, especially when life gets hard.
Why emotional intelligence matters in our relationships
Every couple goes through rough patches, yet what sets strong relationships apart isn’t the absence of conflict, but how couples handle those moments. It can be the difference between feeling stuck in a pattern that leaves you feeling alone or working together to overcome challenges. Conflict becomes more manageable and love becomes stronger over time when both people are able to communicate clearly and show empathy. Shirley Glass is a respected psychologist who studied emotional and physical boundaries in relationships,
and she emphasized how emotional disconnection often comes before infidelity. She showed that when couples lose emotional connection to each other, their relationship is more vulnerable. Building emotional intelligence helps keep that connection strong by deepening trust and creating a
stronger foundation.
If you and your partner already have a pretty solid level of emotional intelligence, you might notice that you:
– Can get through disagreements without lashing out or shutting down
– Show up for each other emotionally, especially during stressful times (when we most need it! )
– Express your feelings in ways that feel constructive and respectful
– Understand your partner’s emotional needs without always needing them spelled out
– Stay curious and open-minded, even when things get tense
How to develop emotional intelligence in your relationship
Not everyone is naturally high in EQ, but that’s perfectly okay! It’s important to remember that emotional intelligence is not a fixed characteristic. Instead, it’s a skill you can improve with practice. You know the good news? Simple Practices for EQ
1. Pause and check in with yourself
Before reacting to something your partner says or does, take a breath and ask yourself, What am I feeling right now? You’ll be able to respond more thoughtfully if you can identify your emotions instead of just reacting. Listen to understand and not to defend.
When you partner is talking, refrain from offering advice or counterpoints. Listen to them. Ask clarification questions. Ask clarifying questions. Being fully present helps your partner to feel heard and builds trust over time. Validate before problem-solving
Sometimes (often times) your partner doesn’t want a solution…they just want to feel heard. It’s as simple as saying “That
sounds hard.” “I’d be overwhelmed too” is more powerful than any plan to fix it.
4. When emotions are high, take breaks.
If you feel a conversation is getting out of control, it’s ok to stop. It’s not just okay but highly recommended. A short pause,
even for ten minutes, can help both of you regroup and return to the conversation with more clarity and calm.
Just also be ready for you or your partner needing more than ten minutes for that break, which is fine too.
A Gottman-Inspired Tool: Emotion Coaching Conversations
Dr. John Gottman’s research has shown that emotional attunement–being present and responsive to your
partner’s emotions–is key to long-lasting connection. One way to build that attunement is through something
that we could call an “emotion coaching conversation”.
Here’s how to try it:
– Pick a calm, low-stress moment (not during or right after an argument)
– Take turns sharing a recent emotional experience
– The listener reflects back: “It sounds like you felt ___ when that happened”
– Validate their feelings: “That totally makes sense–I’d feel that way, too” *If it doesn’t make sense, that’s fine,
just ask your partner questions about their experience so that you can eventually genuinely validate their
emotional experience
– Offer comfort instead of solutions. It’s enough to be emotionally available. These small moments over time can
create an emotional bond.
What happens when emotional intelligence is low?
When the EQ in a relationship is low, it can lead to confusion and disconnect.
Difficulty putting emotions into words
– Dismissing or minimizing each other’s feelings
– Withdrawing or lashing out during tense moments
How to Improve Emotional Intelligence Together
Misunderstandings build up, resentment fester, and conflicts often feel more like battles than conversations.
Some common signs that emotional intelligence needs work include:
– Getting defensive easily or struggling to take feedback
– Difficulty putting emotions into words
– Dismissing or minimizing each other’s feelings
– Withdrawing or lashing out during tense moments
How to Start Improving Emotional Intelligence Together
If you’re noticing some of these patterns in your relationship, take heart–this is something you can work on.
Here are a few helpful starting points:
– Cultivate self-awareness: Notice how your own emotions show up and affect your reactions
– Practice empathy: Challenge yourself to see things through your partner’s eyes
– Strengthen conflict skills: Try to stay focused on resolving the issue, not pointing blame
– Seek outside support if needed: A couples therapist can help
Real-Life Example: Alex and Jordan’s Story
Alex and Jordan had been together for six years, but their arguments were starting to wear them down. Alex
often feels ignored while Jordan believes that Alex is too emotional. The majority of disagreements end with someone leaving, hurt and frustrated.
With the help of a therapist, they were both able to change. They began using emotional coaching conversations. When tensions rose they pressed pause and tried to validate their feelings. It was awkward at first and both complained about being asked to speak like therapists. Alex had a tendency to vent quickly while Jordan shut down. Jordan usually offers a quick solution, but he listened this time and said, “That sounds a very heavy day.” It was all that Jordan needed to say. Alex teared up…not from sadness, but from finally feeling understood.
It was a small exchange, but it cracked something open for these two. They began to talk less as if they were in a tug of war and more like they were supporting each other. The arguments didn’t go away, but they were much more manageable and less painful. Emotional intelligence didn’t fix everything, but it gave them the
tools to show up differently for each other more often.
Final Thoughts
Emotional intelligence isn’t a magic cure-all, but it’s one of the most powerful tools we have for building a
thriving relationship. When you and your partner prioritize empathy, self-awareness, and emotional
attunement, you give your relationship the room it needs to grow and deepen. It’s not always easy to learn these skills, but they are worth it. A few small changes can go a long way in creating a
more connected, loving partnership.
Emotionally Intelligent Relationships: FAQs
How does emotional intelligence affect relationships?
Emotional intelligence plays a huge role in how couples connect, communicate, and handle conflict. When both
partners can express their emotions clearly, listen with empathy, and regulate their reactions, they’re better
equipped to move through tough moments together. It helps build trust and keeps the emotional connection
strong. When emotional intelligence is low miscommunications and emotional distance can build up and make the relationship feel unbalanced and tense. Prioritizing EQ creates a space where both people feel seen, heard, and supported, which goes a long way toward creating the lifelong
relationship most of us are seeking.
What are the signs of high emotional intelligence in a partner?
A partner with high EQ tends to be self-aware, open-hearted, and intentional with their communication. They
listen without rushing to fix things, take your emotions seriously, and share their own feelings in ways that feel
constructive rather than overwhelming. They may be able to remain calm when under pressure and try to understand your point of views, even if it is difficult. They also care about their growth as individuals and in the relationship. You don’t have to be perfect. Just show up with curiosity, care and respect. It’s
also about taking responsibility for your emotions, as they really are yours to own.
How can emotional intelligence be developed?
Like meaningful skills of just about any kind, emotional intelligence takes practice. Slowing down and tuning into your emotional patterns is the first step. What are you
experiencing in your body? What words seem to describe the current state of your body? From there, practicing
active listening, pausing before reacting, and learning to validate your partner’s emotions (“your emotions
make sense to me, even though mine might be different”) all help build connection. It’s important to have regular emotional check-
ins. These are honest, straightforward conversations that help you both feel better. These habits may feel small, but over time they lead to stronger emotional resilience and intimacy that will be worth the effort.
What are effective communication techniques in relationships?
Good communication isn’t about saying the “right” thing…it’s about creating space for honest, respectful connection. Try using “I” statements to express how you feel without placing blame (like, “I feel hurt when…”).
Make sure to reflect back what your partner is saying so they feel truly heard, and respond with empathy rather than jumping straight to problem-solving. Don’t underestimate nonverbal communication! Your tone, facial
