Couples Therapy vs. Discernment Counseling
Many couple enter therapy to improve their relationship. These couples focus on working together to create positive change, addressing issues and strengthening their connection. What if, when you go to therapy, you feel as if you are mentally packing your suitcases while your partner is trying to depack your bags together? You may be contemplating divorce or separation, and feeling discouraged by the therapy process. You may feel emotionally drained or hopeless if you identify with the partner who is “leaning away”. You may feel that ending the relationship is a way to start over and be free, or it could seem to be a necessary but painful goodbye to the past. Alternatively, you might feel ambivalent about ending the relationship but lack the motivation or energy to make improvements.
On the other hand, you may be saying “I want this to work,” while simultaneously feeling worried, conflicted, or uncertain about how to move forward. You may have become passive or withdrawn, but you are still “leaning in”. Traditional couples therapy can be frustrating and ineffective for these couples.
What Outcomes Can You Expect from Discernment Counseling?
In Discernment Counseling, if you are the “leaning in” partner, you want to continue the relationship, hopefully with a willingness to look at how you may have contributed to where the relationship is now. If you’re the “leaning-out” partner, then you haven’t made a decision yet but are thinking about separation or divorce. The therapist remains neutral, not advocating for or against the relationship. The therapist remains neutral, not advocating for or against the relationship.
What does discernment counseling look like?
Discernment Counseling is a short-term process, usually spanning one to five sessions. By the end, you and your partner will decide on one of three paths forward:
Maintain the status quo in the relationship
Move towards separation or divorce
-
Commit to working on the relationship through couples therapy and other resources, with divorce temporarily off the table
-
Difference Between Discernment Counseling and Couples Therapy
-
Discernment Counseling differs significantly from traditional couples therapy, although some therapists may be trained to offer both services. Couples therapy involves both partners meeting with the therapist and addressing issues together. In Discernment Counseling
, the intensive work is done in separate conversations with the therapist. These discussions are intended to help you both gain confidence and clarity about the relationship and its direction. In Discernment counseling sessions, you will also have time to reflect on your own conversations. Couples therapists help couples understand their dynamics and support them to make changes that will enhance their relationship. Discernment counseling does not aim to make immediate changes. This clarity will empower you both to make informed decisions about your future, whether you choose to work on the relationship or part ways. When you complete Discernment Counseling, you will both have a better understanding of the dynamics of your relationship and what you need to do individually. This will help you make more informed decisions, whether you decide to continue working on your relationship or separate. For these couples, therapy can provide an opportunity to explore issues more deeply and work toward repairing the relationship.
It’s important to note that choosing to separate or divorce after Discernment Counseling does not signify failure. In this context, success means both of you gained valuable insight into your relationship. Whether you choose to explore your shared experiences or decide to move on, Discernment Counseling will give you the confidence and clarity you need for your next step.
