Gottman Relationship Principal
The worst of the four horses is contempt. It’s the most destructive behavior in relationships. According to Dr. John Gottman, it is the most common predictor of divorce. According to Malcolm Gladwell in his bestselling book, Blink:
“If Gottman observes one or both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the most important sign that a marriage is in trouble.”
When you communicate with contempt, the results can be cruel. Contempt is shown when you treat others with contempt and mock them using sarcasm or condescension. Contempt can also be expressed through hostile humor, name calling, mimicking and body language, such as eye rolling and sneering. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority, especially moral, ethical, or characterological.
Contempt, simply put, says, “I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.”
Why contempt is so destructive and dangerous
Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner, and it arises in the form of an attack on someone’s sense of self. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict–particularly dangerous and destructive forms of conflict–rather than to reconciliation. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with them and that you’re condescending and acting as their superior.
Take a look at this couple. The punctual partner may be displeased with the partner who is not always on time. The punctual partner may say:
“Look, I’ve been able to tell the time since I was five.” When will you learn?”
Or, this couple who has a constant fight over sex:
“We haven’t had sex for months.” Are you too busy flirting at work with that guy? Why not marry him instead?” Couples who do not show contempt are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses (colds, the flu, etc.) Contempt is one of the most toxic relationship killers. Contempt destroys psychological, emotional, and physical health. Contempt destroys psychological, emotional, and physical health.
Anderson Cooper of CNN reacts to Dr. John Gottman’s findings on contempt, particularly about how emotionally and physically destructive it can be, in this short clip:
Fortunately, like all of the four horsemen, there is an effective antidote to contempt, and it comes in two forms.
Short-term: Describe your feelings and needs
If you’re experiencing contempt in your relationship, there are proven antidotes to combat it and turn conflict into positive growth. Start small by describing your feelings and needs. Try to avoid using “you” statements, which can make your partner feel blamed or attacked.
“I’m feeling neglected sexually, and I need physical connection. Can we talk about how to make that happen so it works for both of us?”
Or, in terms of being punctual:
“It’s very important to me to be on time. Can you please help me with that?”
Short-term measures like that are the best place to start, but to create long-term immunity, you will need to think about the greater context of your relationship.
Long-term: Build a culture of fondness and admiration
The best antidote to contempt is to build a culture of fondness and admiration for each other, which, metaphorically, strengths your relationship’s immune system. It is the second level of our Sound Relationship House.
Fondness and admiration aren’t buildt overnight, but if you intentionally work to do small, positive things for your partner every day, then you can create that system. It will be a constant bulwark to contempt once you have created it. According to research, couples with a positive perspective on their relationship’s past who conduct oral history interviews tend to be happier. But if your relationship is in deep trouble, you’re unlikely to elicit much praise from each other, and you’ll likely have difficulty remembering the good times.
Talking about the happy events of the past, however, helps many couples reconnect. Remember your good times and the difficult times that you overcame together. This helps couples to “glorify their struggle” and builds a stronger relationship. Focus on daily expressions of love, appreciation, kindness and support. These can be as simple as a six-second kiss, a stress-reducing conversation, or spending five minutes to thank each other for how you support each other.
Although happy couples will feel frustrated at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that their partner is worthy of honor and respect. Even though sharing fondness and admiration is crucial in a relationship, these positive sentiments often dwindle overtime through conflict, resentment, or simply the absentmindedness that can come as a result of life’s many distractions.
That being said, sharing fondness and admiration in your relationship is not complicated, and can be done even if you think those positive feelings are buried too deep beneath recent conflicts. Positive feelings are a result of positive thoughts, but the goal is to transform them into positive actions to help heal your relationship and restore companionship. If you rekindle your affection and admiration, you’ll be more likely to resolve conflicts as a couple. You will feel more connected to each other if you revive your fondness and admire for one another.
