How to Improve your relationship in 24 hours
Understanding Emotional Triggers (The 24 Hour Rule)
Understanding Emotional Triggers (The 24 Hour Rule)
Triggers. All of us have them. We all have them. We often react to current situations that evoke similar feelings, but we also remember the past pain. We may have a stronger reaction to an incident if we are a person with a more complicated past. In these moments, our reactions can hurt others. This is especially true when directed at a partner. Understanding our emotional triggers can be very helpful. Understanding our emotional triggers will help us to be more mindful of how we react. How can you identify your triggers to prevent yourself from reacting when the situation arises? The 24 Hour Rule is a great tool to use in this situation. The 24 Hour rule states that you should give yourself at least 24 hours to respond/react before a trigger situation. You can use this time to work through intense emotions and understand yourself better. During the 24 hours, do the following:
Engage in soothing activities
Do some self reflection
- Try to understand your emotions and where they came from
- Figure out what you need to move forward
- Then find time to gently share your feelings, triggers and needs with your partner. This type of conversation will allow you to deepen your connection and intimacy with your partner, instead of letting an emotional trigger cause you pain or a disconnect. Task #2: The next time you are upset with your partner give yourself some time to calm down. Before you tell your partner about your feelings, triggers and wants, take a moment to reflect on them.
- Effective Communication Techniques
How we communicate with our partner greatly determines the course of our relationship. A healthy relationship is dependent on good communication skills. Effective communication skills include active listening, the ability to share our feelings and the ability to have constructive conversations.
Active Listening
Mos
t people understand the importance of listening, but they are still struggling to communicate effectively. Why? Listening to your partner is not the same as feeling like you have been heard. Listening alone is not enough. Listening alone is not enough. You need to do more. True active listening is more than simply listening. You have to be willing to suspend your own viewpoint on something to really listen to what your partner is saying. Try to see things from your partner’s perspective. Ask follow-up questions if you don’t get something. When you feel you understand, it is time to make your partner feel understood and heard. You can summarize what your partner says and validate what you understand. Validation does not mean agreement. You can still understand your partner’s point of view and their feelings without having to agree. If people don’t feel heard, then they will get stuck and have a hard time moving on. They might start repeating their words, or express themselves louder or more aggressively. Active listening will keep conversations calm and allow you and your partner to progress in the conversation. Active listening will keep conversations calm and allow you and your partner to make progress in the conversation.
Sharing Feelings
Emotions are our GPS in life and they also help us connect to others. Intimacy is enhanced by sharing feelings and being supportive of one another. We are closest to those with whom we feel comfortable being vulnerable. True intimacy is about being open to your inner emotional world, and allowing your parents to do the same. Sharing emotions can be difficult for many people. It may seem strange (or uncomfortable) to many of us who were not raised with healthy expression, identification and management of feelings. Learning to share and recognize emotions may take some time, but it is an essential skill. Start by listening to yourself and naming a feeling. Next, identify the positive need. Then you can share your feelings/needs with your partner using the Gentle Start Up. You can then share your feelings and needs with your partner by using the Gentle Start Up.The following steps are:(1) I feel …. The steps are:(1) “I feel…
Constructive Conversations
Gottman’s research showed that healthy, happy couples are in a habit of ongoing dialogue about differences, issues, etc. As they arise. They can deepen their understanding by talking. They can then work as a team in order to resolve the issue.
Achieving constructive conversations is possible by taking the time to explore and understand before jumping into problem solving. This can be done by having each person take turns as the speaker and listener. You will both have time to talk and you will both be able to practice your active listening skills. Once you both feel heard and understood, you can move into compromise from a place of teamwork.
Task #3: Have a constructive conversation with your partner. Share your needs and feelings without blaming others when it’s your turn to talk. Use active listening when it’s your turn to listen.
Strategies for Building Intimacy
Intimacy in a relationship often comes easy and naturally in the beginning of the relationship but it is something that must be nurtured and maintained on an ongoing basis. It doesn’t take much time to build intimacy, but small daily gestures will help you to stay connected. Weekly Couples Meetings
Another way to increase intimacy is by setting aside a time each week to talk to your partner and check in. It is important to discuss both the good and bad in these meetings. You can use the following steps to keep your meetings productive and connecting:
Take turns sharing 5 appreciations with one another
Share what is going well/right in the relationship
Discuss any areas of concern using the techniques listed in the previous section (active listening, sharing feelings/needs, constructive conversations)
Ask one another the following question: What is one thing I could do next week to make you feel more loved?
Task #4: Collaborate with your partner on a good time each week to implement a Couples Meeting.
Nurturing Bonds
Maintaining a close bond requires you to be attuned to your partner. You must be attuned to your partner in order to maintain a close bond. Are they happy, stressed, overwhelmed? You can turn to your partner when you notice that they need attention or connection. Being there for your partner and noticing their needs will make them feel valued and build trust. Physical affection can help strengthen your relationship. When we are physically connected, our bodies release hormones like oxytocin that make us feel more bonded with our partner. You don’t need to show a lot of affection in order to feel and see the benefits. This can be achieved with a hug lasting 20 seconds and a kiss lasting 6 seconds. This will help to keep the bonding hormones flowing.
Task 5: Give your partner either a hug lasting 20 seconds or a kiss lasting 6 seconds.
Understanding Love Languages
We all feel loved in different ways. Usually we receive love in the manner it was given to us as children. There are several ways you may feel loved including words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gift giving. You may feel loved through several of these or there may be one that speaks to you the most.
- Your partners love language may be the same or it may be different. Our tendency, however, is to show our partner love in the way we receive love. But if your partners love language differs from your own, you will be missing opportunities to help them feel loved. You need to know your partner’s love language and work on showing them love in the way that works best for them.
- Task #6: Ask your partner how they want to be shown love and find moments on a daily basis to do one small thing that will help them feel loved.
- Conflict Management Techniques
- Conflict is not a bad thing in a relationship. In fact, conflict is normal, natural and even necessary. It is through conflict that we can learn about ourselves and our partner and continue to grow. However, for conflict to be constructive, it must be managed properly and dealt with in a gentle manner.
Fighting Fairly
Fighting fairly means that you maintain respect for one another and keep the focus on the issue, not on one another. When we feel upset, it can be hard to express ourselves without attacking our partner but this is crucial to maintaining a healthy relationship. Gottman found that there are 4 behaviors that are destructive to love including criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. Becoming critical (or contemptuous) of our partner when we are upset is not fighting fairly. We must keep the focus on ourselves and share what we are feeling and what we need without attacking our partner.
Fighting fairly also means taking responsibility for our part and not getting defensive or assuming we did nothing wrong. We must always be willing to look at ourself and see our part in things. If we are having trouble keeping the focus on ourselves, we must be willing to take a break and cool off before continuing.
Task #7: Next time a conflict arises, keep the focus on yourself only (how do you feel, what do you need, what is your role in the issues, do you need a break).
Rebuilding Trust
Trust is crucial to a relationship. Trust is built in everyday moments when you are able to make decisions for the good of the relationship, not just yourself. It is going through life with a ‘we’ lens, rather than a ‘me’ lens. The decisions you make should factor in your partners feelings and needs in addition to your own. For example, perhaps you hate doing the dishes but you know it means a lot to your partner to come home to a clean kitchen. When you get off work and are tired, you could:
(a) sit on the couch and leave all the dishes for your partner or
(b) take 10 minutes to clean up and bit before your partner comes home
It is taking small opportunities such as this to show your partner that you have their back that will build trust and provide the relationship with the sold foundation it needs.
Task #8: Find a small way that you can show your partner on a daily basis that you care about their needs and have their back.
Negotiating Differences
Differences in a relationship are inevitable. You and your partner are different people so you will never agree on everything and that is ok. What matters is that you are able to discuss your differences in a respectful manner and find compromises that honor both of you. This requires that you first identify what your core needs are (what you can’t live without) and then identify the things you could be flexible with to help honor your partner’s needs. When you can negotiate differences in this manner it will be a win for both you and your partner and, therefore, a win for the relationship.
Task #9: Next time you and your partner have an argument, try to understand them better. Ask about their values, feelings and needs on the issue and use active listening skills.
Conclusion and Call to Action: Improve your relationship in 24 hours
Relationships are not easy but they offer us the opportunity to continue to grow and develop a deeper, more intimate connection with our partner. For this to happen, partners must be sure they are taking care of themselves and doing their own individual work in addition to investing in the relationship. Self-care includes taking care of yourself physically (sleep, exercise, diet) and mentally (time to destress, spend time with friend/family, etc.) but also includes time for self-reflection and introspection. Take time to identify your emotions, explore your triggers and understand your own needs. It is only through this individual work that you and your partner will be able to have meaningful and connecting conversations and deepen intimacy. If you are having trouble taking care of yourself or feel stagnant in your own growth, seek the guidance of a professional to help you.
Task #10: Do one thing each day for your own self-care.
Relationships can feel overwhelming and hard when our negative to positive ration is not where it needs to be. But with small intentional acts on a daily basis, we can begin to shift the trajectory of our relationship to one of connection and enjoyment. Challenge yourself to take on one (or more) small task a day and soon you will notice improvements in your relationship that, over time, will accumulate into big changes.
