Three essential blueprints for couples on how to manage conflict in relationships
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work, Dr. John Gottman found that 69% problems in a marriage are not solvable. It could be personality traits that make you uncomfortable in a relationship, or issues with money and spending. The research shows that couples should learn how to manage conflict, rather than try to avoid it or eliminate it. Discussions about them are constructive and provide a positive environment for growth and understanding. Let’s look at three “conflict blueprints” to help you and your partner constructively manage conflict around unsolvable problems.
Conflict Blueprint #1: Current Conflicts
This blueprint addresses current conflicts. This blueprint is based on game theory – a mathematical model for managing conflict and improving cooperation with others. It stresses that each partner should wait until they can clearly state their position before using persuasion techniques. Each speaker and listener takes turns. Listeners should note what the speaker is saying. If things become heated, take a break for 15 to 20 minutes and try to distract yourself by doing something relaxing and soothing. When you are ready to speak again, one partner should be the “voice” while the other listens. No interruptions!
Begin the conversation with a soft or curious tone. Use “I” statements to express what you want. You could say, “Can I ask you a question?” You made me feel embarrassed by talking down to us in front of friends. Please be aware in the future.” Use key phrases to show your partner that you’re trying to deescalate and understand the conflict. You can, for example, apologize, use appropriate humor, or say “I heard you” or “I understood” etc. The body language is also important. Nod your head, make eye contact, and even offer a physical gesture of affection.
Conflict Blueprint #2: Attachment Injuries
This blueprint focuses on discussing past emotional injuries, often known as triggers, that occurred prior to or during the relationship. These are also called “attachment injury” by Dr. Sue Johnson. They can cause resentment due to past events that were not resolved. They often involve a breach of trust.
It’s important to not be negative when discussing triggers. Both of you need to be calm and accept that your views are valid even if they differ. The goals are to gain comprehension of each other’s perspective and to acknowledge that regrettable incidents are inevitable in long-term relationships.
- There are five primary components to a discussion about an emotional injury. The five steps come from the Gottmans Aftermath after a Fight or Regrettable Incident book. Blueprint #2 Tips:
- Offer an apology to your partner, regardless of whether you agree or disagree with their point of view. Focus only on the fact that you hurt your partner and that you need to take responsibility.
- Verbalize what you can take responsibility for, as well as any other factors that played into you getting caught up in the fight. Ask your partner for what they need from you in order to move on and heal. Be sure to follow through on the request.
Conflict Blueprint #3: Gridlock and Dialogue
Couples are often either “gridlocked” or “in dialogue” on their perpetual problems, and research suggests that these problems concern personality differences or core fundamental needs. The preferred status is dialogue when a couple has accepted their differences, even if minor arguments occur occasionally. Overall, the couple has made peace on the issue and they agree to disagree.
Moving from gridlock to dialogue involves examining the meaning and dreams that form the basis for each partner’s steadfast perspective. It is possible for each partner to fulfill their partner’s dream, which can often be the core need in the relationship. You should be able to communicate honestly and clearly as the speaker. What is the source of your position or perspective on this issue, and what does that symbolize to you? What are your core values or lifelong goals at stake? Don’t judge or argue, don’t try to solve the issue or give advice. Allow your partner to express their concerns and show genuine interest. Find ways to make small compromises to pave the path to bigger plans. If your dreams differ, try to find areas where they overlap, or try to make plans to give each partner’s dreams a chance to grow and become reality.
Managing Conflict
All relationships have perpetual problems that crop up throughout your lives as a couple. The psychologist Dan Wile said, “When choosing a partner for a long time, you’ll inevitably choose a set of unresolvable issues.” This is a fact that no one can escape. Fortunately, we have real science that helps couples learn how to manage such conflicts and keep their love alive and well.
- Click here for more detailed information on Dealing with Conflict and for tips and exercises designed to improve your relationship.
