How to navigate different parenting styles in blended families
In today’s society, there are many different types of families. A blended family or stepfamily is often made up of members who have many important relationships. When their biological parents remarry, children need extra time to adjust and accept a stepparent or two. There are many ways to create blended families, including marriage and cohabitation.
In a blended family, at least one parent has children from a prior relationship who are not the other parent’s biological children. These two people take on the role as stepparents to their partner’s children when they start a new relationship. The children in blended family may reside with just one biological parent or with both biological parents and perhaps their partners, who become stepparents.
Parenting in a Blended Family is Challenging
The mixing of two or more diverse family units can result in many adjustments for all members of the new family unit. Parenting is a challenge for many couples. Being a parent or stepparent in a blended family can be complex because you’re coming from two different worlds and bring expectations about your newly created family.
Often, the children’s biological parent may feel that their authority is being challenged by their partner or by their former spouse and/or their partner. Children are often caught in the crossfire between frustrated biological parents and stepparents, leaving them feeling confused, angry or sad. Children are often caught in the crossfire between frustrated biological parents and stepparents, leaving them feeling confused, angry, or sad.
Different Parenting Styles Can Cause Conflict
Most remarried or cohabitating couples who have children from previous relationships aren’t prepared for the complexities of living in a blended family.
Here is a case example from my practice:
Married for three years, Rick, 45, and Claire, 43 were both recently divorced when they met through a friend and fell in love. Claire, 45, and Claire, 43, were both recently divorced when they met through a friend and fell in love. Claire had two sons aged 15 and 10, and Rick had a daughter age 6, from a previous relationship. They sought couples therapy to learn to deal with parenting differences that led to high conflict.
Rick demanded obedience from his daughter and two stepchildren and didn’t usually respond to their concerns when they felt his demands were too strict. He is a former soldier and believes children should be taught respect and have firm boundaries. Claire is more permissive, and places fewer demands on her kids. She disclosed that she feels guilty about leaving her ex-husband and believes that her children deserve a break.
Co-parenting Challenges
Many disagreements arose with co-parenting with Rick and Claire’s ex-partners as well. The conflicts often erupted over group text and their children were also exposed to heated in-person disputes.
Claire explains, “My ex-partner, Nate, is very rigid and expects too much of our kids. He grounded Sean for a whole week, yelled and did not discuss the situation with him. We’re not on the same page and the worst part is that our kids are stuck in the middle and don’t know which end is up.”
During our sessions, I explained four styles of parenting to Claire and Rick to increase their awareness and empathy toward each other, their children, and their co-parents.
Understanding Parenting Styles
According to psychologist Diana Baumrind, there are four main parenting styles. Gaining awareness and insight about them can help blended families navigate the challenges.
1. The “authoritative parent”
The tender teacher is warm, kind, and sets limits. They are responsive, have good communication skills, and set consistent expectations. Their children tend to be competent and have high self-esteem.
2. The rigid ruler is a parent who is strict but does not offer much support. They are too strict and demand obedience, but they don’t explain their orders. Their children tend to be obedient but score lower in happiness and self-esteem.
The permissive parent
This parent is warm and caring but not firm enough. The permissive parent is warm and caring but not firm enough. Often, they don’t monitor or supervise their children enough. They tend to have children who have difficulty with self-regulation and are not happy, as well as those who have problems respecting authority. The uninvolvedparent
This is a parent who does not care about their children. This parent may be physically present, but emotionally absent. This style of parenting can lead to the most negative consequences for children, including neglect, social incompetence with peers, and low self-esteem.
Once Claire and Rick were able to identify their parenting styles and reflect on the styles of their former partners (and their partners), they were able to take ownership and set some realistic parenting goals. They agreed to not criticize each in front of the children, and to show a united face.
Then, they invited their ex-partners to a meeting to find common ground. During this meeting they all agreed that text would only be used to confirm drop off and pickup or the appointments or activities of their children.
6 Ways to Handle Differences in Parenting Styles in a Blended Family
Discuss parenting styles with your partner
Talk openly about your approaches to discipline and consequences for misbehaviors. While you don’t have to have similar styles, attempt to find common ground, and strive to reach compromises in crucial areas such as routines, bedtimes, screen time, and chores.
Set clear rules and discuss expectations with your children
These are for behavior and homework, etc. Explain to your children the reasons behind rules. Be responsive to your children’s questions. Also, inform your co-parents about these guidelines and expectations.
Establish communication guidelines
Create some rules with your partner – both in your home and when responding to your ex-partners. This includes text, phone calls, emails, and in-person.
Respect all of the parenting styles in the blended family
You may disagree with some of their decisions but strive to find common ground.
Have open lines of communication
In order to build a strong family unit it’s important to cooperate and compromise with co-parents. For instance, if your former partner has stricter bedtime rules, such a lights out by 9pm on school nights, and you have a more lenient bedtime of 10pm, compromise at 9:30pm.
Discuss the roles of parent and stepparent:
Research by Patricia L. Papernow shows that stepparents want more limits on their stepchildren and parents want more warmth and understanding of their children. Stepparents can have a difficult time being a good disciplinarian. They also need to consider the age of the child, as teenagers are more likely to struggle with a blended family. Papernow says that a stepparent should establish a connection with their child before correcting them. However, once the stepparent has forged a caring relationship with their stepchildren, they can move slowly into the role of authoritative disciplinary role.
Remember that you and your partner are the foundation of the blended family and it’s a good idea to offer each other supportive comments, such as “What can I do to help make your day less stressful?” Keep in mind that love and trust develop over time among family members in a blended family. It’s not possible to find instant love, but with patience and a willingness to work together instead of against each other you can make things better.
