What are the different parenting styles?
Many couples have conflict over how they interact and raise their children. Some of the areas that can cause conflict are discipline, expectations and chores. It makes sense if you think about. Both of you have unique experiences from childhood and your family of origin. It’s normal to have different views about parenting or how you want to relate with your child. Every conflict can be an opportunity to connect. There are four different parenting styles. People may not perfectly fit into one category, but for the most part this is how parenting characteristics are typically clustered.
Authoritarian
Establish rules without explanation
One way communication
Use strict punishment and discipline
Authoritative
- Highly involved and nurturing
- Set clear expectations and boundaries and explain them
- Offer affection and support
Permissive
- Set few rules or boundaries
- Don’t enforce rules and expectations
- Communication is open but without guidance
Uninvolved
- Basic needs met but without nurturing and support
- Almost no expectations or rules
- Limited communication
Where do differences come from?
- Parenting differences can stem from different:
- -Histories (family of origin)
- -Personalities
-Cultures (traditions, beliefs, values, etc)
-Lifestyle needs/preferences
-Meta-emotion styles
-Experiences
-Fears
How differences show up
If one parent is Authoritative and one is Uninvolved, then one person will likely be doing all of the work around parenting. There will be an imbalance in the workload of each parent which can lead to a feeling of resentment.
With Authoritarian/Authoritative parents there may be disagreement over how to use discipline (to teach or to punish.) There might be conflict about involving kids in the process of establishing family rules and boundary setting.
In a Permissive/Authoritative family there may be more areas of agreement. However, conflict might arise about enforcing rules and having high expectations of their children.
How to navigate different parenting styles
Certified Gottman Therapist Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT offers a two step approach to use with your partner to get on the same page. It is important to have this conversation in order to present a united front before your children, and maintain a strong relationship. If you don’t talk this through, it can easily become a perpetual or even gridlocked problem and negatively impact your relationship/marriage.
Learn to dialogue:
Take time to have a discussion with your partner where you each go through and answer this set of questions.
What are your beliefs about the role of a parent?
What does discipline mean to you? Why are these values so important?
What were your parents like when you were a child?
Talk about what you liked and didn’t like.
- What are your goals and also fears in raising our children.
- What is the best way to express emotions (happiness, sadness, anger fear, love) to our children?
- What was it that you loved or disliked in them as a child?
- What did you think of their parenting style Why are those values so important?
- What were your parents like when you were a child?
- Talk about what you liked and didn’t like.
- What are your goals and also your fears in raising our children?
What are your beliefs about how emotions (happiness, sadness, anger, fear, love, pride) should be expressed/managed?
Create compromises:
Once you have a deeper understanding of each other’s core beliefs, you can talk through the following.
Identify and share your core needs.
Identify and share your areas of flexibility.
What are your areas of agreement?
Create goals around the areas of agreement.
Suggest temporary compromises around core needs.
Importance of parental alignment
While it is ok to have disagreements around parenting, it is important to keep discussions respectful and not have the 4 horsemen come into play. Parents need to work together when establishing boundaries with their children and determining consequences. You can say:
“We are very upset by this situation.” Mom and I want to discuss it first before we speak to you. Parenting is often stressful and emotional. Even though your child may not like a lot rules, they still need structure to feel secure.
