Sexless marriage, let’s talk about it
We are in a marriage without sex. I change into bed in the closet, while he does so in the bathroom. Since over 20 years, we haven’t seen one another naked. We don’t want give up – this is our last chance – can you help us?”
I first met Norm & Sherry about two years ago. The couple attended my Passion Masterclass for free and worked with me through my 12-week online couples program. The first thing I said to them was:
You’re Normal.
You’re normal if your relationship is long-term and you have problems with sensual desire or sexuality. Only 6 percent of couples attending my Masterclass say that they have a good sex life. This is true of couples of all ages and stages.
Reasons for not having sex
Common issues include:
Sexual desire disconnect – one of you wants sex, one does not
- You rarely (or never) make love. Approximately 30% of couples are in a clinically defined sexless or low sex relationship – you make love fewer than 6 times a year, or not at all
- Difficulties in sexual arousal – even if you like the idea of making love, your body does not seem to turn on
- You do make love, and it is…okay. You have less passion and creativity than you used to. What can you do? How can you learn to even talk about your sexual life – or lack thereof – in a manner that is kind and effective and gives you the understanding and tools to make improvements?
- As you will hear in this video, Sensuality is only one part of the complex and interrelated pieces that make up the long term relationship puzzle. Intimacy and Thrill are also important to improve Sensuality. In order to improve Sensuality, you must develop strong skills in Intimacy and Thrill as well.
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybfXHQCJanE
The three keys to a great relationship
according to my Passion Triangle model are
Intimacy – This includes psychological closeness, communication, and conflict resolution, friendship & loyalty
Sensuality – This includes the entire spectrum of touch and eroticism from holding hands to making passionate love and everything in between
Sensuality is the one special, beautiful activity that sets our romantic relationship apart from our other deep friendships and family connections. I often say that a great relationship is friendship and nudity. We can meet many of our intimacy and thrill needs within our closest friends. Why do we ignore this third and most important aspect of our relationship triangle? Why was sensuality easier at the start? What can you do to jumpstart your sensual life? Lovefully Talk About the Sex You Aren’t Having
- Let’s face it, it’s hard to talk about difficult topics. First, practice your communication skills with challenging topics away from the bedroom. Improve your listening skills and remember to treat your emotions with compassion and grace. Sex is an emotionally charged topic. Remember that the Passion Triangle has three sides. Couples need to first improve their trust, intimacy and romance in order to have any chance of improving sensual life. It’s for this reason that I teach a couples program with multiple factors, and not just a “sex” program! Let me tell you about Karen and Howard. They were another couple with whom I worked. Howard requested a divorce two years ago. Karen was shocked by the suddenness of it. She reports, “I cried for two days non-stop”. “I told him that I was not giving up on him and asked him to spend 6 months working on our marriage”. They joined my online course. Howard says, “I was done with my marriage when I asked for divorce. The lack of sexual intimacy was my main complaint. I did not realize that we had other problems. We didn’t understand each other. We were not having fun. We were not having any fun. We only realized that we could move forward with Dr. Cheryl when we began to work on these things. We are now happier than we have been for many years. We are in love again!”
- 2. Map the Steps From No Sex To Sensual (Or from Sexual to Better Sex).
- If your relationship is sexless, this step may seem frightening. But let me explain. I’m not saying you should go from no sex, to sex. If you struggle with your sensual life, it could be for many reasons. Instead, I encourage couples to create small non-sexual steps in their journey toward greater sensuality. We begin where you are.
Remember Norm & Sherry who hadn’t had a good time in years? They began by cuddling while wearing their clothes. They then tried kissing. They took a bath, but left the lights out and only lit one candle. This was because they didn’t want to see each other again naked. They say, “We followed the plan and now we’re making love again.” This story is a beautiful example of a transformation that can be achieved. We walk around the house naked, slapping each other on the bottom! What’s your routine? I touch you here, you touch me there, and ideally, we orgasm, but it’s okay if you don’t? The average sexual encounter is 7 minutes long, and that includes everything from the nudge up to the snore. Please evaluate if you’ve become lazy or unimaginative when in bed. Create your own steps to more creative, joyous, or spicy sex.
3. Schedule sensual dates
