How to Encourage Independence in Younger Teenagers
Understand Your Role As a Parent
Recently, I sat on the beach watching my son surf. As I relaxed on the beach, I started to compare the patterns of the waves to my son’s desire or ability to catch them. I was able to see the other people in the water and how their position compared with my son. I noticed the unspoken rules of the ocean, where an unpredictable force combined with a small group of strangers. My teenager waited on his surfboard, observing the patterns of waves around him. He knew when to let others take their turn, and when to charge the wave. He bobbed his head on waves not worth paddling on, and sat confidently on the board that would get him to where he desired, but only if the timing was right. Let Your Teen Learn While you Can Only Watch
The realisation that I couldn’t help him make any decisions in the water came over me. I could not tell other surfers that it was his turn to take the wave when I felt like it. I couldn’t tell the waves to alter their course. It was all I could do to watch and be ready in case he washed ashore or wiped out. It was all up to him. I watched as my son navigated the personalities of ocean and other surfers. He found his footing, and figured out where he fit in the line-up. I watched my son do this without any help from me. There was a sense of helplessness, but also pride in my child’s ability to navigate the waves on his own. I realized that I had to be more independent, not just in his surfing, but in all areas of his life. I also knew that teens want and need independence in this stage of their lives. Although our parents may want to let their teens surf without us, it is not always easy. It may require some conscious effort. How can we let go just enough to foster the independence our teens crave? How do we let go just enough to foster the independence our teens need and crave?
Practical Steps to Fostering Independence in Your Teen
Here are seven practical steps to help your teen become more independent:
1. Baby steps
Baby step are fine. It would be a big step to ask your teenager to take the bus to downtown on his or her own if they haven’t yet walked around the block without your help. Divide goals into smaller, more manageable tasks. It is important to first try the new thing with your teenager to help him gain independence. You can plan the route together, go on the trip a few times with them and then encourage them to do it by themselves. Now that you have helped them to feel comfortable in the unknown and supported them, they are now ready to go it alone. Set boundaries and expectations
Some teens are not nervous at all to take flight and thus can cause some anxiety for their parents who are not ready for them to fly solo just yet. Set clear boundaries and expectations and be ready to have a meaningful consequence if boundaries and expectations are not met.
Examples of boundaries and expectations
I will allow you to go to _______. You must be at home by ______. When you reach ________ I will expect you to text/call me. You can go with ______ but I’d like to speak to their parents first.
I expect you to always wear a helmet. The boundary is located here. You cannot go beyond this point without me.
I have a boundary that you cannot be at ______ house without your parent.
My expectation is that if you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, you will call me and I will come help you.
- Examples of consequences for not meeting expectations and boundaries
- You didn’t return home at the agreed upon time. You will not be allowed to return home the next time. You didn’t check in or call as we agreed. Your phone was meant to be a tool for us to communicate. Please hold onto it until we try again. We agreed that you’d wear your helmet, but you didn’t. You need to take some time off from your bike/scooter/etc. because it is unsafe for you. You went beyond the boundary that we agreed on. You won’t be allowed to drive for ____ unless I am confident that you are ready to try again.
- Healthy development in later teenage years will be supported by working with your young teen on setting clear expectations and boundaries with consequences. Use tracking apps.
- There ARE MANY applications that families can use if they need to track each others’ phones. These apps can keep the entire family connected. However, they are not always reliable. They can be and will be beaten. Even though it is ideal to trust your teen first, sometimes even the most trustworthy teen feels that they must deter their parents. This brings us to our next point.
- 4. Be honest and open
- Most children want their parents’ trust and to be proud of them. Even the most upright citizens will have made some questionable choices during their teenage years. In a teenager’s life, there are many factors to take into consideration. As much as you can, keep the lines of communication as open and honest. Use language that emphasizes boundaries, trust, and expectations with your teenager.
5. Privacy and monitoring your teenager’s phone
This could be controversial. What is the line between privacy and a young teenager? Should they be able to control their social media accounts and phones without parental involvement or supervision? Many experts think that young teens should not use social media or their phones at all. Research shows that delaying exposure to social networking is beneficial for our children. Many parents are in agreement, but have difficulty implementing this strategy. If your teen has access to social media on a device, the cat may be out of the bag. Is it ok to check their phone? You can discuss this question with your teenager as you establish the expectations and boundaries for their use of the cell phone that you have given them. This discussion can be supported by phrases such as:
- This phone is one I’m allowing you use. I expect you to not use any of the apps or sites listed below.
- I will monitor the phone to make sure it is not being used. Develop a sense of responsibility
- In addition to monitoring our young teens to help support independence, there are also responsibilities that should come with growing older. Some areas that teens can and should help out with:
- Cleaning up their own space and bathroom
Cleaning up shared spaces with the family
Taking care of pets
Doing their own laundry
Learning to cook
Keeping track of their schoolwork with less parental intervention. If a teenager has never been expected to do these things, it is important to teach them the skills, then complete the task with the teen. It is important that when considering a neurodivergent teen, you use the same strategies and processes that they have used in other aspects of their day. This will help them support learning at home or in community.
7. Create checklists and reward systems for good work. Instill confidence
Actively instill confidence in your teen as much as possible. Some teens may want to be independent, while others are afraid or anxious of navigating the world without their parents. Parents should encourage their children to be confident in the areas where they are showing signs of independence. Praise a good attempt, give compliments and believe that you can try again if it doesn’t go well. It is hard for parents to see their children struggle. However, humans often learn more from the struggle. Don’t try to fix everything for your teenager. Instead, be there to support them. Allow them to work through their problems with their friends. Encourage them to discuss their concerns with their teachers before you intervene. Then, you can teach them how to accept a negative outcome. Allow them to fix the relationship with their friend if they disagree. It is not necessary to be your teenager’s voice, but it would be helpful to get more involved behind the scenes as they begin to understand and hear their own voice. Watching from the beach
And this is where our teens’ magic happens: Persevering in the struggle. We parents can cheer and watch from the beach but we cannot help our teens get up on their board. It is important to let them work and experience the pride of accomplishment when they accomplish what they set out for themselves. It is hard to let go. This is a challenge for parents. It’s hard to see our children wipe out. It’s hard to see them leaving the water without catching any waves. It is important to allow them to try again and drive them to the beach.
