Ten Tips for Meaningful Connectivity
You’re not the only one who feels like talking to your teenager is more like a tug-of-war than a real conversation. Parents and teens both report feeling frustrated and disconnected by the lack of communication within their families. Why does communication become difficult and awkward for our teens? Does a rebellious or hormonal attitude cause a distance between the teen and his/her parent? What causes teens to feel defensive when they are asked “how was your morning?” when, just a few short years ago, the same child would have answered with anything and everything in the car on their way home? How can you shift your communication relationship to make you and/or your teen feel heard, seen and comfortable to talk? It is important to note that not all strategies will work with every family. Parents should try different approaches that fit their personality. Parents must be willing to give themselves and their teens time and grace, as well as to try new things. Teens have personalities that are different from those of adults in a family. You may find that your teens have different communication style. The things that make a conversation meaningful between two people can vary. Conversations with one child may be easier, but a conversation between you and another child or with a different member of the family may feel more difficult. You should validate each personality type in your family and set expectations that are appropriate. What topics do you discuss most with your teenager?
What are the topics you most often talk about with your teen?
Does your teen ask you about grades, chores, schedules or responsibilities?
If your conversations with your child are dominated by the parent, you may want to shift your focus to other areas of their life. To improve your communication, try to get your teen to talk about other aspects of their lives.
Strategies to increase communication
- 1) Listen more than you talk. Active listening is important if your teenager is willing to share and talk. Ask questions based on what they say. You may not notice small details, but your teenager will.
- 2 If your teen is more energetic later in the day, talk to them then. In the late hours of the evening, teens’ rhythms are often more active as they navigate through these difficult years. It may be beneficial to open communication lines when teens are ready to talk.
- 3 Try non-verbal communications. You can write back and forth in a journal. Text chat with your teenager when it is appropriate. Keep going, even if they only reply with one word. Try to add in topics that aren’t only about your teens responsibilities.
- Some phrases to try:
I am proud of you because…
That was cool when ….
I really liked talking about …. I really enjoyed talking about….
Thanks for ……
–
4) When you try to talk with your teenager and it doesn’t go well, you may feel frustrated. It can be uncomfortable at times, and we may react by asking more questions. Maybe sitting together in silence is okay once in awhile.
5 Don’t take this personally. This one is tough. You’re only human. You are only human. This person who used to look up at you and even cry when you were not near can now be indifferent, distant, or even hostile towards you. As the adult, it is your responsibility to promote a safe and positive communication environment. It may be necessary to take a deep breath, step back, and try again later.
- 6). Tap into their interests. Spend some time learning about what they enjoy. Children and teenagers are very good at detecting parents who are “faking it”. Kids and teens don’t like adults who try to “fit in” with their generation. They prefer to hear about current events, music, or entertainment that is popular.
- 7) Let your ego go. You are not cool to teens if you’re a parent, or an important person in their life. It’s perfectly fine. Imagine the adults who were in your life when you were a teenager. You didn’t have to be cool for them. You just needed them to be safe and supportive. Don’t lead with judgement. It can be tempting to try and solve our teenagers’ problems because we feel bad when they are unhappy. In the eyes of teens, offering solutions or solving issues too quickly may feel like judgment.
- Here are some non- judgmental phrases to try:
- Tell me more about that…
Why do you think that worked out that way?
Is there something anyone could have done differently?
Do you need me to offer guidance, or do you just need me to listen? You may need to let go your expectations when you talk with your teenager. You may need to adjust expectations if you expect your teen to have a heartfelt conversation but they are not comfortable. You want to be someone your teen will turn to for help on issues like bullying, relationships or depression. It’s okay for them to discuss certain topics with their friends.
10) Admit your mistakes. Apologize. Truthfully tell the truth. All human relationships are strengthened by authenticity. Show your teenager how to remain humble when they make a mistake. If you are frustrated and raise your voice, or if your tone is rude, apologize for it. Then try again. If you’re willing to try some of these communication strategies, then you’re already on the right track to improving your relationship with your teenager. It can be a difficult time in life, where both teens and parents feel confused, alone and misunderstood. Remember that human relationships are more important than perfection. Setting boundaries, establishing clear expectations and listening actively to our teens can help us create new bonds that are as satisfying as those formed in childhood.
