How You Can Unintentionally Disconnect from Others
Small Things Often You’ve probably heard it before and memorized it if you follow The Gottman Institute. While grand gestures can be nice, it’s the small interactions that you have every day that maintain your positive feelings and regard towards the people you love. The Gottmans taught that bids form the foundation of healthy relationships. These are the daily activities that you do to invite your partner to your world, and then ask them to join yours. You can use bids to establish a connection and distinguish your family relationships from the ones you have with people you meet at the supermarket or the post office. Bids deepen your relationship.
The absence of bids leads to emotional disengagement, loneliness, and in many cases either break-up or unhappiness. Bids from loved ones are not something that people intentionally reject. It’s not something you want to do, but it does happen.
Cellphones, books, laptops and naps are all things that can occupy your attention. Current events, stress, even current affairs, etc. You have a choice, just like with most things. You have a choice. Do you scroll through Facebook or do you watch your favorite reality show villain? You may be branded a “bid-buster” if you continue to scroll through social media or watch your favorite reality TV villain. You may miss important interactions that are happening right in front of you. This is a bid buster. Bidding will stop if you are repeatedly ignored or rejected by someone who tries to connect with your through a story, touch or laugh. Breaking bids will lead to distance, detachment and destruction. Are you breaking bids? You may be hurting people you love, and those you love. The way they reach out to you is through a text, a pout, or a long sigh. Let me give you a personal experience. I’ve learned that boys as young as 11 and 12 can talk about Roblox, Anime or the latest Marvel film for hours, but none of these things interest me at all. I can think of 1000 other things that would grab my attention. As a psychologist, I’m naturally interested in their feelings, their view of their future and their opinion of the political situation of their country. I think that’s what makes a mother-son relationship great. It’s easy to focus on what interests you. But you can show more love by stepping out of your comfort zone. Now I can say with pride that I now know more than I ever thought I could about Legendary Dragon Fruits, One Piece and the Avengers. It’s not the subject that counts, but the connection. This also applies to the relationship I have with my husband. He could talk about cybersecurity, app development, C++ and computer hacking for days. While I am trying to ensure that I do not accidentally share my Google Docs folder with the entire world, he is talking about computer hacking, C++ and cybersecurity. As I’ve turned towards him, his attention has also begun to turn toward me. Our relationship is becoming richer each day because of this. Attention, intention, curiosity, and interest are antidotes for bid busters. This will make a huge difference in the quality of your relationships. It matters if you pay attention. Watch your relationships blossom when you take care of them. The Gottman Relationship Advisor takes the guesswork and confusion out of improving your relationships. Measure your relationship health with a research-based self-assessment, then receive a tailored digital plan proven to heal and strengthen your connection.
The Marriage Minute is an email newsletter from The Gottman Institute that will improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less. Over 40 years of research on thousands of couples has proven a simple truth: little things can make a big difference over time. Have a moment? Please sign up.
