7 Old Relationship Myths
Couples often come to me struggling to discern whether they actually “have what it takes.” Couples often come to me struggling to discern whether they actually, “have what it takes.”
Research shows very clearly which relational-dynamics can be fixed and which tend to signal ongoing hardship. For the majority of long-standing patterns that do have solutions, the tools and techniques are rooted in the science of habits, can be implemented in minutes a day, and are often contrary to what we’ve been taught .
How To Disrupt Seven Outdated Relationship “Best Practice” Myths
Myth #1: Compromise is the key to a healthy relationship
Compromise by nature implies that each of you has to give a little bit up and come closer to the other person’s way, often leaving both of you feeling resentful or unsatisfied. Try Dr. John Gottman’s art of compromise, where both partners identify their flexible and non-flexible areas in a conflict. This will ensure that everyone’s wishes are respected. Myth #2: Communication is key. Check in regularly. Give the other person time to step away from their work, devices, etc. and to center themselves. If it’s an important conversation about conflict, note the time. Our capacity for critical thinking diminishes as the day progresses.. so often best to keep the big, serious talks for earlier in the day…
Myth #3: Don’t sweat the small stuff
What if it’s NOT that you’re
‘t
oo
sensitive’ or your partner is ‘too cold’? You may experience the Waffle/Spaghetti effect if you feel that one partner is “overly” emotional, or the other appears insensitive. Men and women make different decisions and process information differently. This is shown by neuroscience. Men tend to compartmentalize (waffle), while women tend to make associations and connections all over the brain (spaghetti).These distinctions do not strictly run along gender lines. You will find that in couples of the same gender, and those who identify differently across the lines of sexual orientation and gender, one person is often more the one way. Understanding our differences can help us to feel more comfortable and less personal with each other. This dynamic is different from the serious relationship dynamic of being attacked, ridiculed, or dismissed. These are all signs of a bad relationship that should be addressed as soon as possible, ideally by a professional. )Myth #4: Intimacy will decrease in a long term relationshipUmm.. Why? My biggest suggestion–cultivate an atmosphere of connection and romance day-to-day.
– Build in intentional quality time to share and connect
– Keep regular date nights ON the calendar, and
– alternate who plans them!
This simple twist can make the difference between, “Oh, it’s Friday, where do you want to go eat?” and the excitement and anticipation of looking forward to a new adventure, or of getting to surprise your partner. Be creative–and if you’re short on ideas, my favorite resource is The Adventure Challenge–52 unique, fun scratch-off adventures.
Myth #5: Money (or social media or chores or extended family or…) will break you up
According to Dr. John Gottman, THE #1 PREDICTOR OF DIVORCE IS CONTEMPT
Negativity bias is a real thing. According to Dr. John Gottman, CONTEMPT is the #1 predictor of divorce. John Gottman discovered a “magic number” of 5 to 1 during conflict conversations. When there is no conflict, the ratio increases to 20:1! When not in conflict, that ratio increases to 20:1!
The good news is there’s a way to build in the positive: Appreciation.
Instead of beating ourselves up for saying something critical or trying to constantly remember to compliment or show appreciation, why not have a ritual? Every evening, say three to five things that you appreciate or are grateful for about your partner. Myth #6:
Double Myth: “Make sure you talk everything through” or “Preserve the Peace: Stop making a fuss”
In most couples, one person likes to discuss things right away while the other prefers to take some space. When you feel things getting out of control, call for a time-out. But decide on the length in advance. I suggest 20 minutes or one hour. You can both take a break, knowing that you will reconnect to resolve the conflict. You should never go to sleep angry. The capacity to think critically is exhausted by the time we reach late morning. We are coming from two different perspectives. You can do this by reminding each other you love each, that you have it under control, and that you will talk about the issue the next day. Or, you can schedule a block of time before bed to discuss and process. You can learn new tools and techniques to help you live with deeper connection, understanding and love.
